Day 13 Swiffer for my Soul

I did not want to go tonight. I really, really did not want to go. I'm very tired and for some reason my big right toe is KILLING me. But I went anyway.

Tonight's class was a Flow 1 class from 7:15-8:45 pm. This was my 3rd class with the instructor of the evening and I had a definite love hate relationship tonight. She has an amazing voice to listen to and has an almost sing songy quality which is very soothing. She is always helpful in adjustments and offers alternatives for when I can't execute the pose. At one point she told us to get into our Savasana or corpse pose (which usually indicates the end of the class) then proceeded to tell us we had another 1/2 hour of work to do. For some reason this really upset me. I felt like she was taunting us. I also felt it when we were holding some long ass poses and she saw people struggling and would laugh a little and then say "OK, you can release slowly."  

Something you should know about me. I hate to be laughed at. I feel dumb. It's definitely left over from childhood and one would think I would have come to terms with it by now but I haven't. I felt slighted because Yoga is supposed to be this healing, gentle, loving practice and I felt ridiculed. I am positive in NO way did she mean it that way but that's how I perceived it.

I couldn't recuperate and found myself crying. I was asking myself why the fuck I was doing this. I was furious that I hadn't loved myself enough to be good to my body and cursed it for not obeying what my mind told it to do. The negative tapes playing full blast drowned out the music and made it hard to comprehend the instructions.

I fantasized about walking out of class and ditching the project. I couldn't wait for the class to end and had my glasses on and headband off while folks were still exchanging their final Namasate's. The opposite of what Yoga should be. 

This is all on me. My own baggage, my own goals and my own ego. I need a spiritual broom to sweep all that crap out of the way. And, you can be damn sure I won't try to hide it under the rug!