Day 58 Don't hate meditate!

I was very glad to have meditation today. I have been in a foul mood this morning and it was just what I needed. Some weird changes are definitely happening to me. I can't explain it but I feel more aware than usual and it's kind of freaky. My dreams are more colorful and I can think a bit more clearly. I am going to meditate on my own in the mornings with the mantras that the DCC uses

Who am I?

What do I want?

What is my purpose?

Tomorrow my good friend Mazz is going to be taking class with me.I'm excited to share this experience with a friend...

Day 57 Doctor Ganesh will see you now

Today was a good day. I went to meditation class at 12 and this time the room was totally packed! There must have been 25 people in this small room all wanting to rid themselves of stress, bad memories and fears. We were literally knees next to knees which is curious with total strangers. I really don't want someone else's energy unless it's good energy.

My mind darted all over the place but always came back to my Mantra inhale Ease... exhale Fear... I have to say, I love starting my day with this calming activity. I do feel like my day goes smoother when I begin it with positivity. That sounds sooooo gay. Like 4th grade gay, not same sex marriage gay... anyway... I'd like to think that I could do meditation every day in addition to Asana practice and think I will try it.

I went to the orthopedist and got another cortisone shot for my trigger finger which will make my thumb and point finger and the cul de sac of skin inbetween pretty sore for the next few days... I spoke to him about my elbow and was diagnosed with... ukulele elbow! Actually they call it tennis elbow but mine is from playing uke not a back hand! Go figure. I will have to start modifying in class to help these injuries heal quicker.

Physician heal thyself.

Musician? you're fucked :-)

Day 56 Dance, Dance Yogalution

A cold, wet rainy day. I did the community class today from 3-4. The instructor was a new one which is why I went at that time. I'll call her Martha (after Graham.) She did these wide sweeping hand movements that when combined with warrior 2 looked a lot like a plie in second position. Her whole approach was very dance oriented.

It was a pretty full class and only lasted an hour. I was surprised at that and I actually found myself wishing there was more time.

One of the things I like about Yoga is that it's somewhat circuit training based. Certain poses put with others to give different parts of the body a stretch. We did an amazzzzzzzzing shoulder roll opener which opened me up to a place that was obviously a hysterical one. As soon as we began to come out of the right side and switch to the left I found myself giggling like crazy. I have no idea why. But I laughed for about a minute. I always think of Hanuman when I laugh in Yoga. Not because he's funny in actions (au contraire, he led an army of Monkeys to fight the demon king Ravana) (perhaps inspiring Wizard of Oz?) but because he always looks like he's smiling :-)

No one acknowledged my outburst. That probably would have been too weird. Like I always say.. It's a private practice in a public forum. One thing worth mentioning though... upon hearing what was a pretty loud emission of gasses from someone in the room, the instructor said "Woohoo! I just heard a great fart!" I guess I stand corrected on the previous post where I said no teacher would mention it!

Day 55 Yoga. I does it. Nuff said

Day 54 I been around the block. Try it . You'll like it.

Today's Align class from 1-2:15 was awesome. It felt great to stretch mah bones after two days of no Asana. I wasn't nearly as flexible on my left side today as my right so I used a block.

These blocks are provided by the studio and help people get into deeper stretches and poses. They are also fantastic for alignment since they offer a bit more balance.

I find that sometimes I put to much stress on my legs and knees in Extended Triangle Pose or Utthita Trikonasana and the block relieves a lot of that problem. It's also really good sitting on during meditation because it straightens your spine, opens your hips and relaxes the sits bones.

Emme was teaching today. She has such an awesome smile. She is very laid back in her own person and it pours over into her teaching. I like that she asks questions during class. A lot of the time it feels as if the questions are not to be answered but pondered. Even the beginning of class has a usual "So, how is everyone doing today?" and maybe 3 people out of 25 will say something. However, everyone always gets down with the Ohmmm. Go figure.

My husband is feeling better but I stayed by his side as much as I could and only left for class and to get more supplies; Puffs Plus, OJ, soup and green tea Mohci. I think we'll download some movies, snuggle up and maybe I'll even give him a massage to work out some of that stuff. I think perhaps I avoided getting what he has partly because of my new yoga regimen. It focuses me, releases more energy therefore helping me sleep better which in turns keeps me healthy. Whew!

I think I might get some of those blocks for home use. They feel uh. may. zing when you lay one between your shoulder blades and lie back on it... *drool*

Day 53 In sickness and in health

My husband is very sick. Like, he-asked-me-to-look-up-Dengue-fever-because-he'd-been traveling-and-couldn't-shake-the-chills-and-sweating kind of sick. I felt terrible and stayed home to nurse him. I'd made plans to go to a class from 3-4:30 because I thought he'd be home from work by 5 but he came home early and sounded like he needed some comforting. So I stayed.

I will make up the class by adding an extra meditation this weekend.

Day 52 Sex, Yoga and Violence

Today was a noon meditation day at the D.C.C. Tara was leading everyone and unlike the other two women who'd taught she didn't put a candle in the center of the room. I'd always thought it was just for a sense of light so no one would freak out if they nodded off and woke up wrapped in a blanket in some basement room. It's actually for concentration. There is a certain type of candle meditation practice called Tratak. It is said that it's extremely beneficial to reenergizing the mind.

There were about 10 people today 4 men the rest women and of every walk of life. I had a hard time today even though no one was talking like the last time... I found myself having these incredibly violent thoughts. In and out they flowed. One minute.. one of the people meditating in the room was going to open fire and kill everyone just to make a point that even folks meditating for peace and calm are screwed. The next minute? Inhale "Soooooo" exhale "Huuuuuuum." It was really weird.

Somebody farted. Twice. I doubt any yogi would acknowledge those things because it would seem rude but I know they think it. That brought me to thinking about just letting go and that some dude could just jerk of under his blanket with his eyes open, watching all the women in the room with their eyes closed and mouths parted. Inhale "Sooooooo" exhale "Huuuuuuuum"Sex and violence and meditation? Damn, my subconscious is riddled with dirtiness eh? I couldn't help but think that I was absorbing some of the peoples fears and thoughts as well. I wondered if there were any yoga programs for prison. Turns out, Yes... that's awesome.

I liked the pic above of what looks like some kind of county uniform and thought the irony of the orange jumpsuits with what orange represents with the shakras. Maybe if more people knew about thee color affectations they might change their minds. And color choices... http://www.gemstonegifts.com/Colors/orange.htm

It is an extremely different experience than at Sonic. All the folks there are serious yogis and at the D.C.C it's housewives and businessmen. Which is awesome don't get me wrong! However, it makes it hard to concentrate when energies are flying and not honed in on one purpose.

Geez that sounded like I'm gonna go vegan, stop shaving and eat wheat germ...

not

just

yet

Day 51 Shiva ling a ding dong

Today was the last Community donation class from Weds 3-4 with Amelie for awhile because Sonic is starting a new teaching semester. Today she said she wanted us to dedicate our practice to good byes. Saying good bye to both good and bad situations, people, agendas etc... this was difficult for me because I have a tendency to hold on to things, to work it for everything it it's got.

This is not always good.

It's like clamping your jaws down on a sore tooth, it relieves the pain but as soon as you ease up it's back and pulsing stronger than before.

Letting go is the answer. It sounds so easy. Let go.. wheeeeeeee. Um. I wish. I did however remain focused even though we were in a circle again. I realized today that when the teacher speaks they aren't always asking for a comment or opinion. No one ever says anything DURING practice. Except me. I don't think I should do that any more. I don't concentrate as much. It's not a social class. Or is it?

Anyway, it was an all women class and that can feel pretty wild. There is one woman who was in class today who is unhealthily thin. I've seen her before and try not to judge her because she probably abhors what I look like or secretly thinks that she looks like me... Amelie spoke a lot about Shiva who is the Goddess of destruction but also rebirth from fire essentially. We did a few salutations of a pose she made up... basically holding poses like the depictions that so many books have. It was pretty trippy and I loved it.

At the end of class I wrote down what I wanted to say goodbye to...

it was feeling like I have to be perfect NOW...

I can dream can't I?

Day 50 "And then I says to her, I says...oh wait, class is starting! " "OM"

I went to the lunchtime Meditation practice at the Deepak Chopra center for my daily class. It was really packed. About 20 people this time. Usually there are about 5-8 but today everyone came out of the woodwork. or should it be came out of the concrete? Class was about to start and most people were relaxing and in position when two women came down the stairs jabbering away at how it was the "bitchy girl who quit" and "he was a total dick, didn't even call back" etc... going on and on as they put their shoes away.

When they entered the room I refused to open my eyes. I made an effort to remain in my zone. Guess what? The only seats left were next to me. They scooched two into one spot on my left and yammered on about how tired they were, didn't want to go back to work etc... and I just dove deeper into my breathing. The instructor (I'll call her Mave since she looked a little elfin like) turned down the lights and sat a candle in the middle of the room and sat in the last seat left in the room which was to the right of me. Her energy helped combat the hamster on the wheel energy coming from the other side.

She asked these questions:

Who am I?

What is my purpose?

How can I help people?

We meditated on each of those for 5 minutes a piece then went into our own mantras. I have been using inhale Ease exhale Stress. This one works well for me. I admit I drifted in and out but at the end I felt pretty good. The two women immediately resumed yammering " I just want to nap" ,"Really? I'm hungry let's go to lunch I want meat" "Can we stop by Jennifer convertibles first..."

I'm really curious to know, were these women who were able to let go completely then resume like that? That surely is a super power...

But please remember rule number VIII "Thou shall not txt, talk or tweet during class"

Day 49 Back in Baby's Arms

I don't think I've ever mentioned it before but one of my all time favorite poses is The Happy Baby or Ananda Balasana Pose this position feels amazing on the back, legs, arms, neck and nether regions.

It's weird, even after one day off I can feel a difference in my flexibility. My elbow is acting up again and I asked the teacher what she thought it was. "Hyper extension" she said. I will really have to concentrate on watching that because it's pretty painful in certain poses. I still think it could be my weight on the joints too. I am going to call the orthopedist about my trigger finger. I wonder how long I'd be out of commission after that surgery?

Tonight's class was Flow 1 7:17-8:45 with Anna K. I told her tonight that's what I refer to her as since we were chatting before class and she found out about my blog. "I get that a lot" she said. I bet because they're both blonde, athletic and natural beauties.

The class was packed to the gills. The room was drenched with the previous class's exhalations and sweat. The floor was slippery and all the mats slick. I got stuck in the very front again, right next to the speaker but before anyone noticed I faced it away from my face. I was not about to get blasted by sound and miss the cues again. The class moved pretty fast and I must say it seems like I don't even notice the 90 minutes anymore. Well, unless of course we're holding some crazy pose but I still have the daily "OK you HAVE to go, you made a commitment to yourself" instead of "Wow! I can't wait to do this!"

There was no meditation at the Chopra center today so I have to go dbl tomorrow instead... I am looking forward to seeing the lunch crowd again.

Day 48 Day off

I decided to take a full day off today. My husband is leaving for a week and I wanted to spend every moment with him. I know I could have downloaded another class to take with him but honestly I didn't want to. I am a bit worried that by taking days off (then doubling the next) that I'm turning into a slacker.

I love getting feedback from people I see and on this forum. It definitely helps motivate me.

Tomorrow is meditation and Align class...

Day 47 Downloaded Yoga Class with the Husband

Today was one of the first days I've had to spend with my husband all day so I asked him if he would take class with me and he said yes. We were going to go to Sonic and take class but I had the idea to try something new. We went to http://www.yogadownload.com and downloaded two Hatha classes. It was pretty cool!

There were no visuals (we chose that option) and the voice guided us through two different levels of class. It was a bit harder to concentrate since I was in my home but I closed my eyes every chance I had which helped fix that problem. My husband is pretty awesome at being serious when he wants to be and knows how easy it is for me to laugh so he was particularly great in this situation too.

In class you usually see a demonstration of the poses that the instructor shares so it was really weird to just hear directions instead for one of my favorite hip opening poses: Salamba Kapotasana or Supported Pigeon Pose. I thought the pace was perhaps a tad on the slow side but over all it was a good class. I think that this could be a God send for traveling somewhere you might not be able to take class. It's also encouraging since it's just you and the computer :-) I love spending time with my husband being physical and this was really great. I'm off to have a glorious evening with him now... Namaste...

Day 46 Friday, Sat Nam, Sunday

I had an amazing day today and sealed it up with a meditation class at 6pm. My right elbow has been acting up and I think I need to reevaluate some of my practice. I think I am doing something wrong because my elbows shouldn't hurt. Sometimes my ankles and wrists are sore but I'd always assumed it was because they are bearing the brunt of my weight. Anyone else ever experience this? Advice?

I posted on my Facebook page a link to my blog and got a lot of responses about people wanting to take class with me. Awesome! I hope they do. I'd love to take class at someone else's studio too. Anyone? :-)

I haven't seen my friend Dray in awhile and wonder how her practice is going. She is so beautiful and such a good natured soul that I miss her inspirational talks.

The Deepak Chopra center where I've been doing the free meditation classes/series is such a beautiful room. I'd like to take an actual class but it's strange, they charge by the length of the class $15-$20.

I am hoping to get my husband to a class this weekend with me... we'll see!

Day 45 Half Way There!

Ta dah! I finished my 45th class in 45 days! I took meditation at noon at the Chopak center and then an awesome new class called Prana Flow at Sonic from 4-5:30. Meditation was interesting as usual because of high contingent of business attire but really cool to meditate before I headed out to face my day.

The second class was taught by the Swami (I told you about him before, he's the one who usually teaches meditation on weds) he just got back from India and had that extra glow. The pace was very fast and I found myself getting mad, "okayyyy let's slow it down already!" but just when I'd be thinking I'd had enough we'd switch. I sweat a lot more than I had in awhile and it actually felt good.

I did the Wheel again today for 4 breathes so I'm almost to the goal of 5 which is exciting but my focus felt a little off. I am happy to report no dizziness during corpse pose tonight which rocks!

I feel positive and that excites me. I was getting worried for a bit about how freaky I was feeling. On to the next chapter of the journey...

Day 44 Community Class

One day away from the midway point. I took a Community class today from 3-4pm. There were 3 instructors (one leading two(Pippi and Emme) taking) and 2 other women as well as me. The instructor was someone who I'd only had once before and I'd forgotten her practice. She was soooo calm and was supremely encouraging. She'd made a comment about it seeming like a sleepover because it was all women and mostly friends. I liked that.

The practice was good. A few holding of the poses which I always find difficult even in Virabhadrasana II or Warrior II pose. It really takes a lot of breathing in a tense position to help the muscles and body relax. I heard once that a torture implement was to make people hold their arms up for extended periods of time and didn't understand until today.

We did class in a circle which I always find a bit intimidating to tell the truth. Emme was the woman across from me and she moves so beautifully that I wanted to emulate her fluidity. I was battling dizziness again today and tried to fling it from my being but it's hard. I kept going back and forth between "leave class" "stay in class" and I stayed.

I am extremely embarrassed at how much stress and my subconscious rules my world. I never imagined myself so frail. I wonder how much of it is because I seek the truths in my faults instead of just playing Ostrich. I don't want to be in the Matrix so to speak but I would love some balance.

I asked Pippi and Emme for some good chants to relieve anxiety and Pippi offered "So" on the inhale and "Hum" on the exhale which means "I am that" and then I'd remembered Rosie from Calif always using that in restorative classes. Emme gave me inhale "God" exhale "fear" which is pretty close to what I do chant on my own... inhale "stability" exhale "fear."

I had no idea that when I started this journey I would delve so deep in my mind. I thought it would just reduce my cholesterol, stress and weight while increasing my energy, stability and joint/tendon functions...

I will not be afraid.. I will continue my journey and come out the other side a better person for it...

Day 43 Relax and FREAK OUT

What an interesting day. I woke up glorious. Went for a great bike ride. Saw my therapist. Had a panic attack. Bought a friend a cute t-shirt and then went to Yoga. Flow 1 from 4:30-6pm had a minor panic attack during savassana or corpse pose (where you're just relaxing) WTF??

I suffered panic attacks horribly after a bout of Vertigo I had for over two years. Every time I felt dizzy or lightheaded I would immediately think I was going to start vomiting with the room spinning. Imagine being drunk on a carousel going 40 mph and you'll get the picture of how hard it is to contain yourself and relax when you suffer from this. The vertigo went away but the attacks still happen when I get too excited or worked up. And apparently this can mean Yoga. As I said a few days ago, Sept 11 (and the aftermath in NYC) had a huge effect on me and I think I'm still dealing with some of that crap.

The class today was taught by Mr Yoga ( I spoke about him in the first week of my Journey). Like the last time he was very funny and talked to everyone as if they were the best of friends. He told a story in the beginning about going to a party that he did not want to attend with his husband and how by the end of the night he was exhausted because he'd put so much energy into why he wasn't going to like it. The sheer fact of being aware of these thoughts about his angst etc was enough to exhaust him.

That's how I feel about my never ending brain. The thoughts, the subconscious, the chatter. Ok, let me be clear... there are no actual voices per se but in some ways, it seems almost better because then I'd know what was wrong. I'd have schizophrenia. Now? Just a busy mind.

I'd like to not think about too many things and I look to Yoga to help quiet my mind but today it just brought that energy up. That happened to me the last time I was on a treadmill. I was running at my fastest speed ever (after a gradual increase) and at one point the adrenaline worked against me. That isn't fair. "Life isn't fair" chimes the world.

Focus Focus Focus

Health Health Health

Ease Ease Ease

seriously. What a whack job I am. But then again, the only normal people in the world are the ones you just don't know very well yet

Day 42 Khaki Karma

It's hard to believe I am almost half way into my yoga journey. I've learned a lot of things about myself and my body. I learned that I'm flexible and dedicated and that I'm pretty hard on myself.

I've been enjoying the meditation practice as much as the Asana practice but wonder if there is a recommended cycle? 6 on one off etc... I don't want to think that I'm cheating myself in any manner.

Tonight was the free meditation from 6-6:30pm. It was the same woman from before. This time there was a woman in an office type pant suit and a guy in his button up and khaki's. It was a very NY scene. Business people doing their Yoga in a "New York Minute."

It may seem pretty surprising that a room full of tense people can relax together but honestly it makes it easier for me and I have a crazy fast brain that sometimes finds random things to trip out on. When a group of folks focus together it's pretty powerful.

Why did I just think of "light as a feather stiff as a board?"

Day 41 Newbies,Babies and Drumbeats

5:45-7:00 pm Center Class. It was Earth Mama (Emme) tonight and I saw the Earth Daddy (Ed) who brought the Earth Baby (Eby). Tonight was also live musician night. He was the same drummer as before. (although I thought I'd heard a guitarist was going to be there...) I've seen him taking class many times and he is very devoted.

I'll start with the live percussion aspect. It can make it easier to get into the super focus of trying new poses because the beats lift you. However, this can also make you feel that your personal energy is being dictated by the pulses and silences of the music. I gotta say some people might find it a little "hoodoo-guru." You know, all chanty and dippy and way too dorky, but if you really let yourself go and allow yourself a silly freedom it's on like donkey kong. One thing I absolutely hate about the percussion.. at the end of the meditation when we have our eyes closed he hits this loud ass bell/gong and I swear I said "fuck!" today when it happen. It really scared the shit out of me. It's waaay to jarring.

There was a woman who hadn't done yoga before next to me and she got very exasperated very quickly. I could hear her say stuff like "what did she say?", "why did I wear this?","I can't do that!" etc... Emme tried to help her but her own mind got in the way and she left after about 15 minutes of the class. We were doing Ardha Chandrasana or Half Moon Pose and she was having a hard time of it and felt embarrassed I think. I hope she comes back. I've been there. I was actually rocking pretty hard in class today I must say myself! I held these poses and was even able to look up at my hand... it looks easy but try it sometime!

The baby thing. I'll be truthful. When I saw her there I got nervous at first but let it go because I figured Ed and Eby were just there to say bye to Emme. Turns out Eby was staying. I have absolutely no problem with her being outside class (and applaud the fact that Sonic offers some sitting for parents who want to practice) but I don't feel good with her inside. I can't focus. I think of all my baby issues and it makes it hard. Especially when I hear her but she is adorable and obviously a blessing for Emme and Ed and how can I ignore that?

I love the class a lot but have to say tonight's experience was not too good.

Day 40 Ease the mind release the hamstrings

I sang at the opening of both NY Road Runners races this morning in central park and I came back home and felt really tired. I'm not usually up at 6:30 am to wait in the rain at the park from 8-10 am (although Jake Gyllenhaal literally ran into me.. wow is he gorgeous! Lucky Reese!) There is a huge difference between runner bodies and yogi bodies that's for sure. So many of the women were just skinny. sinewy. %6 body fat. I like the muscle and curve I see in yogis better I think. The editor of Fitness Magazine was there and it was great to see that she was a normal looking woman. Good shape but slight belly and a natural face.

Yesterday took an emotional toll on me and for the first time I was afraid to go to yoga. I know that it can unlock so many feelings and I didn't want that to happen. It's not that I'm afraid of expressing myself but I don't want to be known as "that chick who always cries in class." As soon as I wrote that it sounded like I am afraid to express myself. Damn brain. shut it!

Anyway, it was another day of meditation at the Deepak Center from 12-12:30pm . I am going back to Sonic tomorrow to do my favorite class Center and will plan my week of classes.

As I've said I looked into other studios and will be reporting on them this week as well. I must admit, after two days of not stretching I can tell a difference.. maybe I need to get down with my bad self! On the floor that is...

Day 39 Nine Eleven Community Meditation

The date September 11th has a lot of meaning for me. Not only was it a loss for America and all of humankind it was a devastating loss to me personally in many ways. I wanted to spend tonight's practice devoting energy to all who are affected by it.

I chose meditation class from 6-6:30 pm at the Deepak Chopra's Yoga center here in NYC. The space is awesome with all the things you'd find typical at a yoga center except the staff. They are all wearing beautiful burnt sienna colored smocks with creme slacks (yes I said slacks) and look more like aestheticians than receptionists. I think the fact that they also offer a slew of spa services it makes sense. All of the twice daily classes on meditation are FREE>

The actual room was absolutely stunning with dark wood floors and cabinets with a cool little alcove at the front. There were these trippy little back support chairs and blankets. I am used to sitting on mine but people in the class wrapped up in them. The leader was a woman named Tanya who looked Indonesian and had a soothing voice. She had everyone (6 women ages 30-60's and one man about 40) sit in a circle with a candle in the middle.

The instruction was to concentrate on the breathe and slow the pulse down. Usually I hear other people in class when we do these exercises but I could only hear me. In fact I felt like I was the only person in the room most of the time and when I was aware of other people it startled me. I tried to keep concentrating on inhaling Peace, Freedom, Ease and Forgiveness and exhaling Fear, Doubt, Loss and Anger. All of these thoughts and numerous visions swirling in my head but I managed to not fidget or get too sidetracked.

I have so many feelings inside that it felt good to send that energy out into the universe...

Day 38 I'd be Lion if I didn't say I wish I was losing more weight.

Today's Flow One 6-7:30 class was a curious one. Pippi taught and as usual her super positive energy and infectious smile made me relax. She asked the usual "do we have any injuries" when we were about to begin and she turned to me and said "anything else Shelly?" I was like whoa! It's curious that I wrote about not feeling part of the clique yesterday but when she said my name tonight I felt otherwise. My ego was happy to get recognized but then I felt like people were looking at me. Why do I feel in some part bad about being acknowledged? There goes that brain...

Pippi talked about the change in the weather and how being cool outside affects the body (and therefore the practice) then demonstrated modifications and offered some time to "do free form yoga, keeping the core engaged without being stuck in the breathe." This was fun but it made it hard for a spaz like me to concentrate. Flailing my arms and having oujai breathe was too hard so I did a few frog like things and a LOT of Simhasana or Lions Pose. This pose rocks! Maybe because I'm a Leo.. Maybe because I carry a lot of tension in my jaw and it releases like a mofo ( a monastery mofo :-) or maybe because it feels good to look like a freak show.

I put myself right up front again but there were so many people that she asked us all to move up a foot. This put me right in front of the speakers. We're talking like 6 inches from my face. It was so loud I couldn't hear what she was saying and since I never wear my glasses, I was all "what in tarnation is going on?" I will never be that close again. I've tried just about everywhere in the room except directly in front of the instructor and I doubt I'll do that anytime soon so front and to the right may be me for a bit.

Teachers often read passages or say awesome messages etc... and Pippi's message of the day was to recognize the things you want to change and allow yourself the freedom to imagine it, do it and be it. I know I have the freedom to choose. It's just choosing the right thing (calories) that I seem to have the problem with... I want to be losing more weight. I'm very happy in knowing that yoga reduces cholesterol, stress and joint pain but I want nice arms and a healthy stomach.

Stomach. Just seeing the word makes me think fat. Maybe because it's the beginning of the sound "st" as in stretch- and the ending of "ch" sound as in -mark. Healthy in shape women don't have stomachs they have "tummies." I'll settle for anything less than a gut. After all... I don't even like beer!

Day 37 Pre Meditated Non Meditation

I'm not sure how to start today. Bleh. Blehty blehty bleh. bleeeeehhhhhh! Ok now that that's outta the way I didn't go to class today. I decided to get some help with some music for a song I'm recording for a New Age album. This gig came to me during my Yoga journey and I bet some of this guy's music has been played in many a yoga studio or spa somewhere. I also got my awesome new end tables when I arrived home from rehearsal I started playing " this can here, and that can go there, and... and... and..."

Since Weds is usually my meditation day and I missed the 2-2:30 session, I called the Chopra Yoga Center because someone told me they supposedly have "free" guided meditation classes Tues-Fri at noon and 6 pm. I couldn't reach anyone but left a msg. I should have just ridden over there to see but I didn't.

This is the first time I'm not freaking about about making the class up. I know I will. It will probably be a meditative class as well as an Asana class though. The dbl body are off the block for a bit. It's time to maybe branch out to other studios to expand my practice...

Next week will be my 1/2 way mark and as I said before I left for California that when I got back to NYC I'm going to make some stricter dietary rules for myself. I need to get some of this body fat off in order to even see the muscles I'm developing...

Day 36 Big Wheel Keep on Turning.. Proud Shelly keep on burning

Yeay for me! I did the Urdhva Dhanurasana or Wheel Pose all by myself! I had tried last night and couldn't do it without a wall or blocks and today I just told my self I would do it and I did! It was Align class from 6-7:30 and Anna taught again. I am really beginning to dig her classes. The adjustments rock! I don't feel I like I'm part of the clique there yet but I also don't feel like I'm a complete dolt either. I felt like my kidneys were going to be squeezed out my sphincter and my throat being choked by extra flesh but I did it. Twice. Two breathes each. Watch out Crystal! I'm on my way to the goal you set of Wheel for 15 breathes 3 times a week!

There is one thing in Yoga I don't think I will ever get used to or like. That is the dampness. Not my own sweat, I've gotten over that and even enjoy seeing myself glisten. I'm talking about when you walk into the room after a class has taken place and even the floor is sweaty. Dis-gus-ting! They have these black mats for extra cushion and since people just put them right back onto the table what they just used, rotation is not plentiful so most of them feel like those mats you get at a water park before you haul ass down a huge slide.

I wouldn't call myself a germaphobe but I do not dig breathing in everyone's carbon monoxide all moist and especially that which has been locked into a room of 35 people in 250 square feet. I also hate thinking that my face is so close to where people's feet have been stomping and gripping and "webbing out to balance the pose." I talked about this before but it still gets to me.

I've decided I prefer taking class in the front. I get more into what I'm doing and feel the burn of a desire to be better a bit stronger. I don't have to watch anyone and it feels like it's just me. And Anna Kournakova. And her new soundtrack....

Day 35 Dig deep and see what you find

Labor Day. I tried to trick myself and say "Today's a day of rest." Uh, no it isn't. I've rested plenty. I need to go to class.

Tonight's class was taught by the girl I call Anna (Kournakova.) She is the one whose voice I love and who's music needed to be changed. Praise be! She changed it! I was ecstatic. I love her classes but the repetitive music was getting to be a huge turn off and now the problem is solved :-) She is always very hands on and today the class was small so I felt like I got extra attention.

The curious thing about being "adjusted" during class is that just when you think you can't stretch another centimeter someone guides you to a deeper pose. It's scary and exhilarating at the same time. I was doing the Extended Traingle or Utthita Trikonasana Pose and I felt like I honestly couldn't go any further she eased my shoulders back and my hips forward and POW! a whole new feeling. I can't explain what this feels like. Your mind is saying "There's no way in hell I can go any further" and your body just does it.

I think of how women lift cars off their children in accidents or men who are able to move concrete walls when a coworker is in danger. Adrenaline. But not the " we're gonna kick their ass this super bowl!" kind but the "I can do anything" kind. The body is so extremely fragile yet unbelievably strong at the same time. You can die from a spider bite but live after a shark bites your legs off. You can snap during a phone call with one customer service agent and find joy with 500,000 people celebrating New Years Eve in Times Square.

I've learned a lot this last 35 days but the number one thing is that even if I don't feel like going, when I do I feel so much better...

Day 33 Does anyone Hatha any Advil?

Yikes. Today was a two in one day and I definitely feel it. My thighs say fuck off and my back probably will take a stand and refuse to be straight when I wake up tomorrow.

The first class from 11:45-1:30 was with the woman who usually teaches my favorite class on Sundays. I'll call her Pippi because she reminds me of Pippi Longstocking in the fact that she is cheerful, offers unusual subjects and notions of poses and also seems to be friends with everyone. The class was packed to the brim with a total of 35 people since a lot of other classes were cancelled. It is always very hard to focus with that many peoples energy in the room. I am very sensitive to others vibes already and when I'm in that environment it's tripled in awareness. I was able to do Crow pose or Bakasana for the first time without falling on my face! I made it up to the pose about 5 times and am hopeful I will be able to hold it for a few breathes next time.

Holding. This brings me to the next class from 4-5:30

The instructor was a man I'd never taken from before. I will call him Alvin. Because he looks like he dances for Ailey! Tall, dark and a booming voice which is both terrifying and sexy at the same time. He began the class with this gnarly booming chant that no one seemed to know. I was actually scared and thought I am in way over my head here... this class is for pros. I was right. It was called Hatha style. You hold the poses for a long ass time and it is insane! It really shows just how well you know your poses, alignment and breathe that's for sure.

I found myself totally unable to focus here as well. I had so much fear that he was judging my inability that I began to resent him. When he said "we just passed the 20 minute warmup and will be together another hour and a half really working" I wanted to cry. That seemed mean to me. A better way to put it is my perception of his statement was negative when in fact most of the people probably drooled thinking they were going to get beat to hell by this yogi who obviously knew what he was doing.

I am a mere amateur this I know. This affects my thought process and as Mr Horse used to say on Ren and Stimpy no sir, I don't like it one bit. I will take another class by him because I know I need to. I need to face my weird inner self and drive out the judgey, negative bullshit and just get down with my bad self.

Day 32 Yogis take Holidays? Do they watch T.V?

Whew! I am now back in NYC. the smells, sights and sounds all around me say it's the end of summer and the city is trying to hold onto the warm weather while it can. I was excited to see what my practice is like in a NY studio after being away for over 9 days. I was even more exited because the class I was going to attend was my favorite class at Sonic. Center Class.

I got myself prepared and ready to go. I had a few minutes before I had to leave to get to the 1:15 class on time so I decided to plan my classes for next week. I opened up the page that lists the schedule and saw that the class had been cancelled. I forgot it was a Holiday weekend and only the first class at 9:00 am (which I'd already slept through) and a Flow 2 (which I am not by any stretch ready for) at 5:00. I hope that the instructors are being part of the common folk on their days off. You know, going to see scary movies, gossiping on the phone with family, watching bad t.v. and maybe even drinking coffee and having Cinnabon.

So, it looks as though my "easing back into" plan isn't going to work. I will now take two classes tomorrow to catch up. I can't say I feel calm about this at all. I will stay committed. I will learn and do the best I can.

I will probably want to take some Advil before I go to bed tomorrow too..

Day 31 "Nah, mah stay right in this pose awhile"

Today's class was my last class in California. It was an all levels class from 8:30-10:00 am. All women again and the woman who inspired me from a class last week (the "seriously Grandma?" post) attended and I told her what an inspiration she was to me. She said she was surprised but happy. She quickly told me she's been in practice a long time and that some of her poses "weren't what they used to be" but I am still impressed by her dedication. The instructor Rosie was very sweet and got me a cupcake (two actually, one vanilla and one chocolate since she didn't know which flavor I liked) to celebrate my 30 days and as a sweet send off back to NYC. She has an extremely nurturing quality and if you were to conjure up what Mother Nature might look like it would be her. Long flowing red hair, bright earth green eyes, a natural beauty and full of grace with just enough curves to show the world femininity.

I was relaying my story to the women in class and it was wonderful to get their take on what is a Yoga practice. Everyone experiences strife. Whether it's physical, emotional, financial, spiritual or psychological these struggles make us who we are. Yoga helps shine light on what is troubling you. I am tapping into some of my most vulnerable spots and folks I'll tell ya, it ain't easy. Whoever coined the phrase ignorance is bliss wasn't kidding. I have a tendency to be hard on myself and delve deeper than I should into why things "are." It's very tiring all this judging and pondering.

I am sending positive vibes out since I will be heading back to the airport and have hopes that things will run much smoother than on my way out. Tomorrow will be my first class back in NYC and I'm curious to see how I ease back in. I think I may be staying in child's pose a bit just to be kind to myself after the travel etc...

Thank you everyone who I came in contact with during my stay in California and I will see you six weeks.

Namaste

Day 30 I just completed 30 Yoga Classes in 30 days!

Happy Anniversary! I just completed my 30th class in 30 days. Today I did two classes and the first was Hatha from 8:30-10:00 am. As usual the instructor was Rosie (it turns out she does have student teachers but I hadn't had the chance to take class from them during my visit here). She is so awesome. The class was full and once again it was an older crowd (me included) and all women. There was a great energy in the room and Rosie picked up on it and commented about it at the end of class. I love how supportive everyone here is of each other even if they're strangers. I don't see that so much in New York.

The second class Restorative from 7:45-9:00 pm was at another studio I'd looked into in the town of San Pedro. It was also the class that I showed up for last week that said it was on hiatus until this week (although still listed online.) I brought, or should I say draagggeed my friend with me since there was a 2 person minimum for the class and I didn't want to miss it. We would be the only ones as it turned out. There was a total of 12 classes a week offered and the woman who ran the studio taught them all. I have to be totally honest, I was a bit put off by her or should I say I felt she was a bit put off by me and my friend. She seemed very cautious of us like maybe we thought it was a joke or something. I can't quite put my finger on it...

I must also admit that I judged her for being overweight. She was a bit bigger than me and my negative brain went to "how can she teach me? Look at her! With 12 classes a week she should be in great shape!" Something in me did not want to enjoy the class. Like I would be allowing myself to be comfortable with another fat person teaching me something. Ridiculous. I'm fat and I'm a fatist. It's because I see myself in those who struggle and I don't like what I see. "Oh thank God I'm not as fat as her!" I say to myself. Shame on me. Wait a second... If I recognize my inappropriate behavior and want to make it better should I still feel that shame or just let it go? See.. sketchy brain...

Anyway... the class consisted of 5 poses each held about 12 minutes and resting in between. Her voice was made to give soothing messages. Seriously, it was almost as if she was playing a character it was soooooo mellow and calming. The final result was that I felt much more relaxed than when I arrived. I thanked her for class and may take another class when I come back next month to celebrate my Grandma's 80'th bday just to see if my experience is any different.

Tomorrow is my last class here in Calif but my first class of my second month in my three month project!

Day 29 I am not a superhero

Today was an exhaustive day. I awoke with many obligations and plans and none of them happened. I felt I let someone down and it completely debilitated me. I think it may have been an accumulative of all the stress incurred while here in Calif. but I had a complete meltdown. I cried for about an hour and couldn't get a hold of myself.

I decided that I needed a break. From yoga, from people, from responsibilities, from myself. I got my hair cut, colored and styled. A facial, an hour massage and an hour foot reflexology treatment. It was absolute bliss yet all day I felt out of whack.

My inner energy is crazy and I don't know how to get it in line. Sometimes I feel like I have no control over my body and brain at all and it's scary. I don't feel this way during class but class is not real life timing. It's a place to get away, be calm, be out of my mind and engage my body. How do I use this in my real life?

Oh yeah, tomorrow is my one month anniversary. I will be celebrating by doing two classes to make up for today's absence.

Day 28 Take two classes and call me in the mornig

Another day of two classes and by the looks of things I may be doing another 2 classes on Thursday if my day turns out to be as crazy as it's looking for tomorrow.

My first class was a Hatha class. Traditional Hatha Yoga is a holistic yogic path, including moral disciplines, physical postures (asana), purification procedures (shatkriya), poses (mudra), yogic breathing (pranayama), and meditation. The definition sounds like the definition for general yoga and the class felt pretty much the same but much more gentle. We did an awesome breathing exercise where we sniffed in two deep breathes and exhaled a defined haaaaaaaaaaaa. This made me a bit dizzy and as always when I get dizzy I get scared. I suffered from debilitating Vertigo for almost two years awhile back and when I get dizzy it's hard not to "go there" when I do. It was only myself and one other woman with the instructor and owner Rosie. She teaches about 18 classes a week. What the?? No wonder she looks like a Goddess!

The second class was an all levels class and was the largest of all the classes I've taken since I've been here. It was also the first class I've taken with a pregnant woman rocking the yoga poses. She did a headstand. She was 4 months pregnant and she did a headstand. She said she could feel her baby girl moving around inside her belly. I am a freak. I am probably the only person in the class who felt squeamish about that. Women will probably judge me and say "it's the most natural thing in the world." For whatever reason, I am not one of those woman. I feel ashamed about this. I don't want to but I do. I wish I knew why I have these pregnant woman or nursing in class issues. Wtf.

I find that I don't have a lot of motivation to get to class but once it's over I feel so much better. I have to say that the two in one days are easier here because I have a wider variety of styles. It is also not as intense a practice as it is in NYC. Does that make it any less beneficial for me? I'm not sure. I am sure however that I feel much more calming effects after the classes here than I do in NY.

Maybe it's just that California is more laid back... I will be back in Nyc Fri and try to bring some of the mellow with me...