Day 27 I am struggling to keep it together

I am struggling. I am really struggling. I missed class again today because of an accident involving my rental car. ( no injuries just a shopping cart hit and run) I was coming from San Diego where I was visiting my niece and had to go to the rental office to report the accident. I had to fill out a report and wait for the next car which took over an hour. I wanted to take the beginning Hatha class at 6:00 and I didn't get out until 6:30. There was a Kundalini class (which I've never done) at 7:45 but I'd also started my period this morning as well and was advised when I began this program not to do any gnarly style yoga the first two days.

I am pretty upset. I feel like giving up. I keep thinking "who would know? No one reads this shitty blog anyway they just say they do." Then I saw that someone (from NYC) left a comment about my taking class yesterday. They said they were proud of me. That was exactly what I needed at a time I needed it.

I will have to try and fit in another class before I go home Fri. This will not be easy but I am absolutely TERRIFIED of getting so behind that I can't catch up...

Day 26 The view from down here

I can't believe I did a class at 8:30 am on a Sunday morning. Since I have been in Calif I have been suffering terrible jet lag and getting up very early. The morning crowd is definitely an older crowd. I'd say the average age was 55. It's amazing to see people who are considered senior citizens kicking some serious ass in class. It is extremely motivating and shows me just how Yoga changes peoples lives. Hip and back problems, joint pain and flexibility all being worked on.

I am already thinking about the end of the project and how I will use Yoga in my "regular" life. It has helped me in many ways but mostly with stress. I didn't realize just how much tension I carry and how much I need an outlet to get rid of it. Don't get me wrong I still have blow ups and cry when I'm frustrated. I cried in class again today out of frustration. We were doing hand stands and my elbows would not hold up the weight of my body for more than 3 breathes. I am able to do the modified stand Sirsasana for about 5 but I really want to be able to succeed with a full head stand. Looking up at the instructor from that position I see her smiling and giving me guidance. She says "Shelly you're doing great just keep trying." The view is from down here says hope.

Day 25 Breathe of Fire not land of fire!

I took an all levels Flow class from 10:15-11:45 this morning. There were about 8 people this time and once again we sat across from each other. Really weird. I don't know why it seems so strange but it is to me. It was Rose who taught and she knew every one of her students by name. The flow was quicker today and with all the brush fires so close it was definitely hot and dry in the room so when I started to sweat I was grateful for the moisture.

Today was the first day that I was able to fully go face to floor in the Upavistha Konasana or Seated Angle pose. I think my boobs got in the way a bit but still I was successful and it felt incredible. I think the trick is to hinge at the hips and not use your back so much. The weather is crazy hot here and it's affecting my energy levels for sure. I'm glad that I did a morning class because I don't think I would have it in me to do it in the afternoon.

I am almost at my one month mark. When I get there I will start implementing some new add ons to my program but for now it's a nice cold shower and massage... :-)

Day 24 Shivas and Virgins and Yogis Oh my!

I had my first California class to day. Actually, I had two. The first one was an all levels Flow and the second a Restorative class both taught by the studio owner Rose who is a beautiful redhead with amazing energy and grace. The studio was carpeted which made for a much more cushiony experience. There were awesome paintings on the wall and beautiful silks hanging around a lovely alter. Shiva and the Virgin Mary what a kick ass combo!

The first class from 8:30-9:45 am had 6 students total with the widest variety of ages of any class I'd been in. There were 3 women; one about 19, one my age and one in her 70's and two men; one my age and another in his 70's. The practice was different in that I didn't recognize the chants and there were no english words just the hindi. I was pleased to realize that I know more than I thought. Another curious change was that students faced each other across the room. I was grateful for being pretty much blind so I could "see past" the man across from me in order to focus. As always I sweated a lot.


The second class, Restorative from 4:15-5:30 pm, was based on stretching, relaxing, cradling, breathing and meditation. The most kick ass thing about the class? I was the only one!!! Just me. Yogi e Yogi. It felt really strange at first, almost as if it was a bit too personal but that faded quickly and I had one of the best experiences I've had doing this project. I was so glad to have released the tensions from the 3 hour dentist appt that I had yesterday it felt amazing.

This experience of doing two classes in one day was much better than the last time I did it. I feel so fortunate that I was able to find a studio to take class while I'm here and I'm looking forward to taking her class again tomorrow morning.

Day 23 I don't want to be negative

Harrumph. Tonight was to be the first night of my Yoga practice in Calif while I'm here. It didn't happen. It was a 7:45-9pm restorative practice and I was really looking forward to it especially after my horrific night at the airport last night, a 7 am-9am battle with the rental car company and a trip to the dentist for a teeth cleaning and 3 crown preps (totaling 3 hours and about 10 shots of novocaine.) I didn't fall asleep my dears nor did I forget.

I showed up and was told by a woman who was there with two other women from the previous class "Oh didn't you know the class was on hiatus till next Thursday." I looked online that morning and called the studio at 6:30 and both places the class was listed. I left with the friend that I brought and begrudgingly came home to find two classes that I will take tomorrow. At another studio.

I really fought myself these past 24 hrs. So much disappointment has occurred in this short time and I battle with "making lemons out of lemonade." Lemons are bitter. To make lemonade you add sugar. LOTS of sugar. What is the sugar in our psyches? Positive thoughts? Blind eyes? Ignorance? For some reason letting go of these disappointments is really difficult.

I do not want to be negative

I want to make good choices in my reactions and as my great granny used to say "They can't get your goat if they don't know where you tie it."

Day 22 Meditate and Simmer

Well I am at JFK waiting for my flight. It was supposed to be at 6:00 and is now pushed back until 6:40. I left my house early, suitcase and carry on in hand to be sure I made it to meditation class before I hopped on the subway to make it here in a timely manner. I lugged it all 3 blocks to the studio then 2 flights up the stairs. By the time I heaved it up I was already sweaty and full of tension. I was SO glad that today was just Meditation. This week focused on chanting. We repeated Om Namah Shivaya which means "I bow to the divine consciousness". I was informed that if you chant a prayer 2,500 you "own" it. Curious. It's like writing "I will have good Karma" 100 times on a spiritual blackboard.

There were more people this week and it's so amazing to be quiet with a group. The instructor was the same fella I had last week in both meditation and flow 1/2. I will call him the Guru from now on because he is such an amazingly mellow and kind man. He wished me good luck this next week while I am away.

I am excited to meet some new yogis and venture out with new instructors.

My flight has been delayed ANOTHER 1/2 hour. Now departing at 7pm....

perhaps a meditation is in order...

ohm shanti shanti get my fucking plane here ohm

Day 21 3 full weeks!

It really seems like the weeks are going faster and faster as each one passes. Today was my 21st class. I'm shocked. Honestly. I identified as a beginner in the start of class and the instructor  (I'll call her Annie because she looks like Kournakova:-) said "I've seen you in my classes before so you know what to expect." 90 minutes went right by and Anna helped me into a few poses.  Her awesome sing songy voice when she calls poses or her request for you to "Shake your head yesssssss and then nooooooo"  always makes me smile. I only have one complaint. Her music. It is always the same. Every class. I wonder if being a musician makes me more sensitive to the repetition? Dunno. I really want to make her some mixed c.d's though...

I have to admit I like the classes with less students a bit better. This class was totally full and for the first time I experienced what I thought was only folklore. The class SBD. Yes The Silent but Deadly fart. OMG!!! I don't know if  it's because this person is a staunch vegan and ate some crazy cabbage or what but when Anna said "inhale deeeeeeeep" there was no way in hell I could. I honestly think it was a tiny girl in front of me but she had a big smell. I know we're not supposed to acknowledge these things because it's respectful but it was nasty. Na-sty! A room with 35 people, no air and that stench it was almost unbearable. It happened twice at different times.

I leave for California tomorrow after Meditation class and will write something when I land. I have my classes planed already but will remain open to a new and spontaneous practice as well.

Day 20 Afternoon Delight

In Yoga one doesn't call taking class working out. It's deemed more valuable by saying one has "a practice." I can see how that would be. When some people say "I'm going to go work out" it conjures up images of machines, tread mills, free weights being curled, grunts escaping and sweat. Yoga isn't like other "sports." It is very sweaty don't get me wrong, but no one makes weird noises like they do at the gym. (then again I think some muscle heads would lose their shit if someone let out a long ass Oooooooommmmmmm or fluttered their lips during their dead lifts) Yogis and gym rats have kinship over their love of self improvement but that's about it. Weight lifters look in the mirror. Yogis close their eyes. 

I had a new instructor for the first time in awhile and she was superb! She spoke about coming from a crazy kick boxing type class and how sore she was. I'll let you in on a little something... I was happy to hear that. I reveled knowing that even the svelte bodied ones can feel the pain and soreness that us softer ones do. I felt the possibility that maybe for the first time since I started this project the instructor would feel as much of the pain as the students :-) She was extremely hands on. Her energy was completely open, non judgemental and silly yet very wise. She reminded us that by laughing we are engaging our cores so laugh on little buddha laugh on!

It was a quick flow combined with awesome stretches and the most amazing shared Savasana I've ever head. She did this thing where she lengthened my spine by pulling on my feet. She then did this weird reflexology on my big toe. If I wasn't already married I'd have asked her. I have to give it to the teachers. There is no way in hell I would touch some slimy, sweaty, stranger's skin. But I am verrry grateful she touched mine :-) 

Even with my glasses off and my focus intense, I can feel the awesome bodies around me. Even a hazy silhouette of a crazy fit woman and I covet. Not just her tone and taut belly but I covet her flexibility and balance as well. I WANT THAT. Who am I kidding? If I absolutely, truly %100 wanted it I would do everything in my power to obtain it. This means monitoring my calorie intake more (you mean not everyone eats a whole bag of pistachios with a quart of pomegranate juice?) and to reduce the general body fat percentage so I can see the muscular results.

Tomorrow is 3 weeks. I leave for 9 days the day after. Big milestone and big challenge.

Day 19 I'm in Love

At least I think I am. Today's adventure was Center class. I LOVE this class. I wish I could take this class for the remaining of my 90 days. It has everything. Breathing, poses, focus and meditation. One stop yoga shopping. It was the glorious earth mama womaning the helm today and she adjusted me into some glorious stretches. My back was seperating vertabrae by vertabrea. Not cracking just separating. Such a weird feeling but such an awesome feeling!

I succeeded in a gnarly pose today and was able to hold it for 5 breathes. It's called the Supta Virasana or Hero Pose. It felt amazing gown down but rising back up was a different story.  I can't help but wonder what the worst injury someone has sustained from Yoga? Broken leg? Arm? Neck? Beck? Death??? Whenever I attempt my headstand my neck feels like a newborn wobbling all over the place. I can't wait to be bad ass enough to do one!

I've not seen my friend Dray in awhile. She asked me to come to an "Acro Yoga" class. This is where you do acrobatic type yoga stuff with a partner. I admitted to her I was afraid that a tiny person would get partnered with me. I would be so embarrassed if they were like, "Uh, I have to do whaaaat with Miss Helga over here?" I was going to go last Thursday but opted for an earlier class and a 2 anniversary dinner with the husband. When I get from California I will most definitely check the class out.

I've already found two studios in the city where I'll be staying so I know I'll be able to stick to my regiment. 3 week mark is right around the corner!

Day 18 Two in a row

Holy crap. I am going to try my best to not miss a class so I don't have to dbl up! The first class was with the earth mama and it was awesome! I'm still shocked at how relaxed she is being a new mom and all. It was a very small class and she really took the time to explain the poses and challenge us with our breaths. I absolutely loved the music she had and everything went pretty smoothly. I tried to imagine myself a dancer making every pose a fluid movement. We concentrated on the breath doing these really cool exercises Pranayama or Yoga breathing where you do alternate breathing through alternate nostrils. Really awesome.

We also did some core work which I am absolutely weak at. Stomach problems for sure. I find that after these classes my stomach actually sticks out further than before I did the ab work. Curious.

The second class was brutal! The instructor was new to me and was by far the most energetic of any instructor I've had yet. The music was quick, the vinyasas (flow of poses) were fast and she did crazy hand stands between every move! I almost just wanted to watch her. It was very acrobatic looking. I have to be honest with you. I didn't make it through the whole class. I left 3/4 way through. I couldn't contain myself. My elbows were creaky, my lower back angry and my second bandana soaked. I was fighting myself the whole way and then I gave up. Some might say I gave in and "listened to my body." I am hard on myself I know but I hate feeling like a quitter (well I'm glad I quit cigarettes) and sat in the lobby for a bit. The receptionist said she wasn't surprised to see me because "no one takes two in a row." I told her I had seen some women taking two classes but they both looked pretty Ana to me. Perhaps I was projecting my own body issues onto those ultra thin, wiry women.

Tomorrow is another day and I do know one thing for sure... doing one class will seem like cake compared to what I did today!

Note to self: So you left a bit early. Ease up cowgirl. You're doing pretty good so far and do the best you can.

Day 17 Sleeping Buddha

*sigh* I don't even know how to begin this. In 16 days I hadn't missed a day. Today was the first class I missed. It wasn't because I got stuck in traffic. It wasn't because I had an awesome gig/audition. I fell asleep. Yep. You read it right. I fell asleep. It doesn't matter what led up to me falling asleep or the fact that there was a minor typhoon outside when I'd have left for class (4:15 class was from 4:30-6:00.) I woke up at 4:55 warm and my hand tucked under my little buddha belly. Then? "oh fuck. no way. I'm missing class RIGHT NOW. Can I go 1/2 hr late? No, I can't do that. Should I do it right here? No, that's not an actual class! What am I gonna do?"

I was in complete shock. There was a Flow 2 at 6 p.m but after yesterdays hardcore 1 and intermediate 2 I knew there would be no way I could do just a 2. I would have rested 50% of the time and that's not a real class. I have only one option. Take two classes tomorrow. 3 hours of yoga! I'm not sure if I will do one in the a.m and one in the afternoon or two in a row but I will do two. I will not allow myself to get behind.

I know some of you might say "take it easy on yourself you've done better than most people would." I'm not most people. I don't mean in a superiority complex way but more of a psycho driven person. I really want to see this thing through. I've gotten so many emails about how much I've inspired people and I want to do it for myself as well.

I will be traveling from Aug 26 - Sept 4th and am in the process of finding studios to take class. I was even trying to take class on the military base in san diego where I will be visiting my niece before she and her family leave for Hawaii. I have some great leads and am looking forward to this challenge. It will be a test which is why I must stay on track before I leave.

Tomorrow should be interesting

Day 16 And a 1 and a 2

Yeay for me. I took a Flow 1/2 class. On purpose. It was with the instructor who I had meditation with and I wanted to see how his class would be since I enjoyed him so much yesterday. It was definitely and advanced class. Many poses I hadn't seen before and there were no assistant to align folks in the class. This was clearly a class of true yogis. 

There were some poses such as the Parivrttta Janu

Sirasana or Revolved knee to head pose that were all but impossible to execute. I didn't care. I just took my leg out to the side with my hand and was happy to be able to do that. Some day I'll put my hand behind my head and grab my foot. I think my husband will be especially pleased when this new ability appears :-) 

The teacher was incredibly supportive of people and spent a lot of time walking around making sure people were following and demonstrating throughout the whole room so everyone got a view and there was no real "front of the class."

Yesterday was the first real day with NO posing, just meditation and I could definitely feels some stiffness from not stretching. Could it be that I'm actually beginning to like this torture? If it makes my body work better, my mind more relaxed and thoughts clearer then hells to the yea!

Day 15 Two weeks down

Another week down. Hard to believe. It feels like the time is either dragging or speeding depending on my mood or daily experience. Today's class was meditation. There were only 4 including me so the energy in the room was easy to enjoy. We concentrated on our chakras. The Chakras are said to be "force centers" or wheels of energy permeating, from a point on the physical body and are considered the focal points for the reception and transmission of energies.

I am not sure how I feel about this just yet. I did feel some trigger points tingling when I focused my energy. It's scary to think that one can actually meditate disease away merely by focusing. Amazing. I found a great page online about my big toe pain and they offered some acupuncture techniques and by golly it worked! My trigger finger (my thumb freezes up in a "trigger" position and will only open by manipulation) is flaring up but I think if I watch my wrist and hand placement in class I should be ok.

10 weeks to go... I'm on my way...

It's awesome to have a day off from the physical side I'll be truthful. 

Especially because it's my 2 year wedding anniversary. 

Day 14 Plop Like an Eagle?

Before my gig tonight I had planned on going to the 4:30 class but realizing that the same instructor (and possibly the same set list of music) from last night would be there I decided to take the 12:30 class instead. The instructor was the guy who wears street clothes. You almost feel like your at his house. I think a guy in the front of the class was in his underwear. I'm open minded but it's weird to see strangers all sweaty and in their panties. Unless of course you find them attractive :-) but in yoga class it goes to a whole other level of "I won't notice you if you won't notice me." 

I struggled again today with the apparent killer kegel pose

Garudasana or Eagle Pose (as shown  above.) I can't cross my legs all the way around yet. I know it's supposed to be hard in the beginning. I understand that my body will adapt over time but I'm no good at not being good at something. I felt tears roll down my cheeks as I "reached for the sun, pushing the elbows away from the face" and convinced myself that like Meg Ryan's tears in the war movie "Courage Under Fire" my tears were also not out of weakness but out of frustration. Although, if put in the same situation as Meg in the movie I'd definitely cry like a little bitch.

I'm going to think about and to start to set some goals for myself. I think it will be good to work towards something rather than just a completion of a project.

Any ideas?

Day 13 Swiffer for my Soul

I did not want to go tonight. I really, really did not want to go. I'm very tired and for some reason my big right toe is KILLING me. But I went anyway.

Tonight's class was a Flow 1 class from 7:15-8:45 pm. This was my 3rd class with the instructor of the evening and I had a definite love hate relationship tonight. She has an amazing voice to listen to and has an almost sing songy quality which is very soothing. She is always helpful in adjustments and offers alternatives for when I can't execute the pose. At one point she told us to get into our Savasana or corpse pose (which usually indicates the end of the class) then proceeded to tell us we had another 1/2 hour of work to do. For some reason this really upset me. I felt like she was taunting us. I also felt it when we were holding some long ass poses and she saw people struggling and would laugh a little and then say "OK, you can release slowly."  

Something you should know about me. I hate to be laughed at. I feel dumb. It's definitely left over from childhood and one would think I would have come to terms with it by now but I haven't. I felt slighted because Yoga is supposed to be this healing, gentle, loving practice and I felt ridiculed. I am positive in NO way did she mean it that way but that's how I perceived it.

I couldn't recuperate and found myself crying. I was asking myself why the fuck I was doing this. I was furious that I hadn't loved myself enough to be good to my body and cursed it for not obeying what my mind told it to do. The negative tapes playing full blast drowned out the music and made it hard to comprehend the instructions.

I fantasized about walking out of class and ditching the project. I couldn't wait for the class to end and had my glasses on and headband off while folks were still exchanging their final Namasate's. The opposite of what Yoga should be. 

This is all on me. My own baggage, my own goals and my own ego. I need a spiritual broom to sweep all that crap out of the way. And, you can be damn sure I won't try to hide it under the rug!

Day 12 Percussive Posing

Today's Center class featured a live percussionist. My instructor was the earth mama I blogged about earlier. She had her hair down (gorgeoussss brunette waves) from the tight bun she had the last class and looked so young. I found myself wondering how does any woman have a nursing child, teach classes, live in NYC and look so blissful? I think Ponce De Leon should have skipped the fountain and headed for a yoga studio. She was very helpful with adjustments and encouraged me to do my Bandha Sarvangasana or Bridge Pose with my hands clasped underneath my shoulder blades. It was more like ET "phoning home" but what the hell, at least I tried.

The live music was nice in the regard that it helped time go by unnoticed since there was no "ok... Sara Mcglaughlin comes next, then Seal then we get to rest in Savasana!" We moved through poses faster than any other class which for me felt like a dance class. It also made me feel like I knew what I was doing. I was learning a sequence of choreography vs "sitting in the pose." This was the first class that I didn't feel completely idiotic at one point or another  and I think that was because I was more focused on graceful movements than alignment.   

On the flip side when he began to play fast and loud, I felt it rush through my body, feeling the need to match my breathes or flow to his set rhythms and crescendos. It was especially jarring during the mellow "close your eyes and breathe..." meditation parts and then out of the blue *!!DING!!* a loud ass Tibetan bowl (I'm guessing cuz my eyes were closed) would ring and I literally jumped up "What the!" Maybe my reflexes are too tense but when I'm "in my zone" and a noise comes on all crazy loud I'm ready to stop, drop and roll!

I'll try the live music class again to see how the experience is on a different day. I always like to try new things 3 times. Just to be sure I gave them a chance. I'd LOVE to have an actual sitar player who would just rock it during the class! dinga-dinga ding ding dinga ding-ding...

Day 11 Define and Align

Today's class "Align" from 1-2:15 was awesome. I had another new instructor (male, nurturing, hands on and answered all of my questions with "that's a great question") and his pace was perfect for my personal taste. We held poses longer (which is harder but I love trying to feel a burn whilst simultaneously keeping my face and shoulders relaxed) and took time to check alignment. Thus the name of the class. Align. As a beginner it's great because it's usually a smaller class with more personal attention and definitely slower.

I also took Alan's advice and placed myself at the front of the class. In hindsight maybe too far up because I was pretty much parallel to the teacher. It did help my Drishti or focused Yoga Gaze since there was a sign across the street I could hone in on through the gauze laden window.

I drank lot's of water about an hour before and after class but still find it hard to break my concentration and sip in the middle. Yet I somehow find ways to grab my washcloth and wipe my sweat ... I have been focusing on the flow of my breathe since it radically affects how things work in your body. Sometimes I find that I hold my breathe in poses because it is uncomfortable and for some reason it seems natural when your in "pain".

I'm learning more and more each class and it becomes clearer to me that this project came just in time...

Day 10 Hocus Focus

Hm. Um... I'm not sure where to start but here goes. Last night my bike was vandalized by someone I knew. They slashed both of my tires. I did pretty well considering. I knew this person for over 16 years and even though our friendship ended sourly I never expected he could be so malicious. I kept thinking about Yoga (as lame as that sounds.) One side of my brain screamed "Im gonna walk up to that asshat's apartment and demand retribution!" The other side "why perpetuate the anger and nastiness? Just let it goooooo. Work on yourself and set it freeeee"  SWITCH " I could get him evicted (he subleases illegally) from a fantastic apartment!" SWITCH "doesn't that make you just as bad as him?" 

Yes it does. That can not relieve what ache I'm feeling.

In the class I did today from 4-6:30 the instructor (female, soft spoken and oozing sincerity) began with the usual "devote your practice to a part of yourself or someone else" routine. I immediately chose the person who violated me. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. I found myself unable to do even the easiest of balances, stuck in this perpetual feeling of !arrrrgggghhh! Fighting the fantasies of what I could do to this person to "get even" and to genuinely try and emit "I love you, I forgive you. The problem is your sadness and anger. I wish you the best." 

It felt like I'd never heard any of the poses the teacher was calling out but when I looked at others I knew what to do while my brain fought over what information should be priority. FOCUS I kept saying, just breathe... breaaaathe... breaaaattthhheeee... This was the first day so far that I had to stop myself from leaving the class because I just. couldn't. get. it. together. Shame rolled over me in a harsh drill sergeant tone; "don't you DARE leave! suck it up! you need this!" The other side said in it's soothing yoga tones "it's o.k., you need to leave and go eat whatever you want to make you feel better. You deserve this after what you've been through..."

Shit.Shit.Shit. I toiled over a lot of stuff but I stayed. I stayed and got back into poses when I could. I stayed and didn't tell myself what an asshole I am because I couldn't do full poses like Scorpion Pose or Vikisanaha  even though in my mind that it was perfectly feasible after 10 days and I stayed because my life is larger than just one incident. 

I'm struggling but I'm not giving up and I will continue striving to use my powers for good and not for evil. 

Day 9 A Three Yogini Lunch

What I've read online is that one should practice either at sunrise or sunset for "best results." Because it fits better in my schedule I usually take an evening class  but today I took a 60 minute, mid day class. I was curious to see if the time difference would change my experience. There were some new poses such as the one to the left The Lord of  The Dance (no joke) or Natarajasana Pose which I failed miserably at. 

As I gazed forward, people in the class looked amazing. Truly. Long, lean and healthy bodies just "opening up their heart chakras to the sky." I probably looked more like I was about to do a drunken jack -knife off a diving board. I'm projecting I will be able to do this pose by the end of my 90 days.

Today's instructor was male (the first yogi I've seen in basic street clothes during class) which makes the tally now 6 women and 3 males so far. Also, I've had a different teacher for every class which has shown me just how different the experience can be. Today's man  (that sounds like a Loony Tunes Title, like "Kitchen of Tomorrow")  had a mellow approach and I noticed this cast the most casual vibe of all the classes I'd taken. 

Yoga is a very personal practice in a public place. You're instructed to work on your own "practice" (I will do a whole blog on this aspect of Yoga). It isn't like an aerobic class where people look at each other, laugh, scream out "woooh!" and commiserate over the perfectly sculpted spandex clad teacher who you think must be an asshole but are almost always totally cool. Fuckers. One thing they do have in common, you do sweat your ass off in each class!

I'm definitely getting better with my balance and am looking forward to eliminating some lower back pain, improving my circulation, relieving stress and restoring constant mirth. 

Not too much to ask is it? :-)

Day 8 Meditation

Yesterday was my "week anniversary" of practicing Yoga. I had an interesting week that culminated in an anxiety attack. In practicing Yoga, it's difficult to figure how to divide the "devotions". What I mean is that there are the physical parts like doing poses and the spiritual parts like dedicating your work daily to someone or something.

Since the week was long and I was still feeling emotional from the night before I decided to do the Meditation Class today. This consisted of a small group of people led by an instructor ( my second male who was really open to all of my questions) sitting somewhat semi-circle on either a blanket, mat or floor. Have you ever just sat still for 30 minutes? It's harder than most people think. It isn't napping in any way. It's curious because you're supposed to free your mind of any thoughts and just sit there but if you're like me and most others, that's when the shit really starts eh? There's a reason the phrase "keeping you up at night" exists. When we try and quiet our brains they explode.

I think I really needed it because other than my legs falling asleep ( I jiggled em a few times to get back to life) I was able to really relax myself. For about 10 minutes. Then? I got dizzy and nauseous. Are these reactions "working through" stuff? 

Why does bettering yourself always seem to be so hard?

It was bound to happen (no pun intended)

*sigh* I was wondering when this awesome journey would have a negative effect and it has. After class yesterday I felt amazing and went to do a gig in Brooklyn at 8:00 pm. At around 11:00 I began to feel "weird". Light and sound sensitivity were extreme and I felt very warm in my armpits. I shook it off and tried to focus on the show. I finished at 12:00, wrapped up the stage, mingled then hopped in a cab and was home 1:10 am. I was winding down by cruising the internet for dogs in costumes (believe me it is an amazing way to relax and feel good!) and suddenly felt very tired.

I got into bed about 2:15 and as I tried to do some deep breathing exercises it happened. I had a full blown anxiety attack. Pulse racing, stomach bubbling, bowels gurgling, massive heat "bursts" in every part of my nervous system.

I think by doing Yoga I am unlocking all the crap that I've been "holding" for quite some time and the emotional night I'd had before with my loved one increased my anxiety levels without me even realizing it. I had a terrible nights sleep and woke up afraid that I would still be feeling bad. I began looking for things to complain about and told my husband "I only lost 3 lbs this week" and he replied "Some athletes train for years just to shave off .10 of a second from their best time". I immediately "poo-pooed" what he said because misery loves company and I wanted him to just say "wow that sucks." As I had my coffee (another vice I want to rid myself from) I began to REALLY think about what I was feeling. 

I named this blog after a well known AA event "90 meetings in 90 days" so I am going to grab another one "progress not perfection". That's my mantra for this next week...

* in case anyone was wondering I am not a member of AA but have been surrounded my whole life by folks who are "working the program"

Day 7 One week down

 Tonight marked my full 7th class. Each class has been 90 minutes which puts me at having 10.5 hours under my belt (or yoga strap.) I feel stronger, more limber and more relaxed. I'm still falling, not able to hold and have a long way to go but these small milestones mean a lot.

Today's class dedication was to a person very close to me whose feelings I hurt. We had an argument (about Yoga of all things) I said that I didn't want them to teach me because I felt they didn't have enough actual Yogi experience. This in turn was perceived as a no "respect for my work" issue. Sincerely, I did not mean that. I wanted a person certified and having a long standing practice for my 90 classes 90 Days project.

In todays class I struggled with this as well. The instructor (my first male) who was stellar  said "let your practice be about you and no one else, no competition, not even with yourself." I immediately thought of the person I hurt and thought "see! I was right! It's about ME not you" which then brought me to understand something more about myself. I have a hard time letting things JUST BE. My insane need for "justice" often hinders my ability to be vulnerable to people and also to nurture other peoples vulnerability. I should have realized that it was more important to nurture someone who felt rejected by me than to try and provide my reasoning as to why I turned down the offer to be taught by them.

I think that Yoga has helped me with these issues. I know it sounds all "hoodoo-guru" (my own word) but it is true. I'm beginning to see just how closely the mind body spirit connection is. 

How the whole thing turn out with my loved one? We decided to take classes together. Now THAT'S  Namaste :-)

*****Oh yeah!!! The clothes I bought at old Navy are working out great! I will need to make some alterations to the tanks though because when you sweat it stretches the cotton so I'm thinking a small "lift" in the straps...

Day 6 Slip Sliding Away

"You know the nearer your destination the more ya slip sliding away" uh... thanks Paul. It turns out when 37 people are in a room meant for about 20 a few things happen. The heat gets insane, your muscles stretch further then you knew was possible and, you sweat. I'd done 5 classes before this one and thought I sweat a lot. This class? I sweat so much that I slipped and face planted during my  Chaturanga Dandasana or Four Limbed Staff pose.

The chick above looks so graceful doesn't she? When I do it my ass is way up in the air and my knees are on the ground ala "girl" push up. Now, I can do about 15 of  "girl" push ups and 6 "boy" push ups per rep but I can't hold the above pose to save my life. Yet. My sweaty mat, slick hands and toes made this night a lesson in humility. When I was on about my 25th attempt I literally slipped out from under my hands and feet and smacked my face on the mat. The lady next to me said "Sorry" and for a minute I thought I could blame it on her but I knew it was my own fault. I tried to regain my composure in corpse pose ( I talked about this pose earlier) and when I felt I didn't care any more I resumed. I must admit I've taken to not wearing my contacts and just "going blind" it works wonders for self-consciousness.

I've befriended a woman whom I'll call "Dray" who has seen me from my first class and is a great face to see at the end of class. She has an amazing practice and is so lithe and cat like I hope one day to be as devoted as her and my reward will be those attributes too. Until then, I will bring a towel to every class just in case I decide to rain on myself indoors again.

Lululemon can kiss my big butt

Yoga really isn't geared towards the portly ones... I know it seems like I'm harping on this but the fancy yoga stores like lululemon don't make shirts bigger than a L/12. The L in pants is maybe a 9/10. Yesterday, I wanted to get some really nice workout wear that was geared towards yoga specifically. Contrary to what some may believe you can NOT wera the same workout clothes two days in a row.. when it's dry it smells ok but when re-wet? Um.. nasty! A combo of fritos and vegetable soup come to mind . I wanted all cotton, wickable (apparent  buzzword for athletic clothes) easily washable and something that supports "the girls" even though mine are more like "the ladies " :-)

I asked the saleslady what styles might work for me. She took me to the full support section and pulled a cute top in a size 8. I asked her if they had anything bigger and she said they don't offer support tanks higher than 12 but they did have some size 14 plain tank tops and that I could wear a sports bra underneath. I asked "Do you have sports bra's in my size then?" She replied "Um, no sorry we don't really carry any plus sizes." At this point I feel discouraged thinking "damn, I'm too fat to even wear yoga clothes let alone think I can be a yogi." Shockingly enough I was willing to spend $52 a tank top and everyone who knows me knows how cheap I am!

I ended up trying Modells, lady foot locker and even Macy's. Nothing. I settled on some Old Navy wear. It says it's made for yoga specifically and are actually comfortable, cotton and breathable. I will try them tonight at class and report later.

Day 5 Hookers and Sidhartha

I've just returned from my first "Center" class. This consists of 30 minutes of classic flow, followed by 15 minute posing with focus on breathing and 15 minutes of meditation. The instructor asked if anyone was new and when I told her yes she said to look at people next to me for tips. She began with how there was so much death around us (the tragic Hudson heli/plane crash last night etc) and that we should dedicate our practice to someone who was no longer with us. The first dead person I thought of was my Dad. 

A booze drinking, hooker chasing, car racing, chain smoker whose only exercise was 12 oz curls, opening a refrigerator and the occasional masonry job. A man who displayed his spiritual beliefs through t-shirts printed with images like a boy bee going down on a girl bee saying; "be good to bee's, eat your honey." Not exactly images I'm able to join with the "clean, organic" practices of yoga especially since the instructor was a new mom who breast fed during the class. She wasn't posing simultaneously or anything that rad but she brought the kid in for about 5 minutes who sucked away as we did our vinyasas. That is one earth mama! And one earth baby too I guess. I decide to dedicate the class to myself.

I felt good about the opening flows and tried to get comfortable with the amount of sweat that I pour. It really is a unique experience to enjoy the feeling of being hot and drenched. We're reminded that by sweating we "get rid of all the toxins" and I'm thinking my toxins are dripping all over my mat and how I'll have my face down in them in about 3 minutes. The poses are going quickly and a few new ones were introduced such as  Warrior 3 or Virabhadrasana 3 this made me feel all "Ice Castles like" but in my case I was ready for the feeling to end. This pose is REALLY hard for balance and makes you very aware of how what goes up must come down as well. I held it for about 5 seconds at a time but hope to be pretty bad ass by the 45th day. That's the middle of my challenge so why not set goals? Now, let's define what's bad ass...

Day 4 I didn't pull a muscle, I used one

Me: Um, what is Align class?

Yogi: Oh, it's a great class that helps you discover proper alignment for your poses.

Me: Is it good for beginners?

Yogi: Oh yes! Perfect! You really have a chance to deepen your understanding by doing the poses slower and honing in on the correct form.

All my sore arms and legs and tired mind heard was "slower" and I immediately signed up. Slower would turn out to be MORE painful, more sweat and more fighting with my brain. The class had the least amount of people of the classes I'd taken so far. I found this encouraging and assumed it would be only beginning stuff since most of the packed classes turn out to be crazy shit like "acro-yoga" or "sweat your ass off yoga in 105 degrees with no air and 55 ppl." Uh, no thanks, not yet anyway...

The instructor was extremely helpful in assisting me and she had somewhat of an earthy smell. I wasn't sure if I liked it or not so every time she walked by I breathed her in. She would tell the class to take a pose and then "hold for 8 breathes". That is a LONG ass time in yoga breathes! Think about it... an average breath lasts about 2-4 seconds.. try it. Breathe in and out normally... Ok, now breathe in though your nose for up to 10 seconds and exhale through your nose for the same time. Oh yeah do it in the above pictured... "Parsva Bakasana" or Side Crow pose.

I tried my best to get close to that pose but all I could achieve was holding my hands to the side of my legs! I had visions of me doing this pose someday and that somehow it would even help me in my fantasies of becoming a hip hop dancer too... 

The teacher showed me how to deepen my poses and to adjust my Chaturanga Dandasana (or four limb staff pose) because I have no discernible triceps right now. I dream of "Linda Hamilton from The Terminator" arms and this surely was a pose that would help. At the end of the class she was extremely reassuring that I would get better. As for her earthy smell? I decided I liked it.. 

Day 3 Yes, there is a pose called Corpse

Today was day 3. What I thought was a beginning class turned out to be an advanced 1 mixed with an intermediate 2 class. This meant harder poses and at a much quicker pace! I thought I would die but forged my way through. 

I did a LOT of resting in "Savasana" or Corpse Pose as I told myself over and over again "you can do this Shelly, just don't compare yourself to others" (super hard for an over achieving and super competitive Leo like myself.)

When I spoke to the teacher I was surprised to hear she didn't know I was an absolute beginner. She said she assumed I had an "advanced practice" because I was "graceful in my poses" and took so many rests. Apparently in Yoga when you really know your body, you know when to take a rest and not "push through." This is perhaps the most amazing concept about Yoga for me. It's the only exercise program that doesn't encourage you to do 2 more reps, add 10 more lbs to the bar or tell you to "suck it up!!" 

Yoga encourages each person to do what they think is best for their own bodies. This requires a lot of personal motivation and drive. In another word DISCIPLINE. I've always said that I need "adult supervision" because when left to my own devices I can find some amazing ways to procrastinate, indulge in somewhat devious behavior and fill my mind and body with tasty toxins and scrumptious poisons (iced caramel coffee, nachos and Reality TV anyone?)

I am trying to live better to live longer and enjoy what I have while I am here. I am SO fortunate to have the life that I have. Love, music, friends, family and fun.

Day 2 Om My God

I actually made it back tonight. I didn't think I would but i did. This class was "easier" in the fact that the particular teacher I had was a bit more "new agey" and had a tone in her voice that felt soothing and encouraging. 

Some of the poses are impossible for me right now because of my physical stature. When I try and do the e Parivrtta Parsvakonasana or The Revolved Extended Side Angle pose I find that my stomach is too big to get around. I think there is a huge (pardon the pun) market for "plus size yoga." A class devoted to people of substance who want to try Yoga but are self conscience when next to basically flawless physical forms. 

I am a very confident woman (in makeup and clothed) but even I look around the class and see these gorgeous creatures looking so calm and serene and I'm screaming in my head "what the fuck Gumbi! give a gordita a break!" 

   I continue on...

Day 1 90 Classes 90 Days

Today I have started a Yoga program and will be doing "90 Yoga classes in 90 days." This blog will keep track of my progress, thoughts and fears. 

Am I nuts?  Well, yes I am but that's neither here nor there. I am a woman who turned 42 four days ago and has struggled with weight and stress issues my whole life. As a child I was either malnourished or chubby and as an adult I've weighed in the range from an underweight 130 lbs (hello 1980's and cocaine) to an obese 220 lbs (hello snack cakes and men who like big girls.) 

I am currently much closer to the high then the low and wanted to kick start myself into caring about my awesome soul vehicle. That's right, I said soul vehicle. That's what our bodies are. A physical vessel that carriers our emotional and psychological selves.

As a person of "plus size" stature and a complete Yoga novice I wasn't sure how I would fare. Everyone who has ever said "Yoga is for everyone!" never had a gut or big thighs to deal with I'm guessing. 

My first class was absolute torture. When dogs stretch it looks so yummy but when I do Adho Mukha Svanasana or Downward Facing Dog Pose it's kind of dizzying right now and more like a downward facing walrus. Nausea, fatigue, emotional releases and tight muscles were only the beginning. Fortunately I was sweating so much no one could tell the difference between my tears and my sweat droplets! 

The teacher was firm in speech and instruction and had a definite plan for the class. I asked a few questions afterwards about why I might be dizzy and nauseous and she suggested it was a lack of water intake and proper breathing. I'll try and focus on these things next time. 

This will be an amazing journey and I think that by sharing it with the world my chances of succeeding increase greatly.