Day 43 Relax and FREAK OUT

What an interesting day. I woke up glorious. Went for a great bike ride. Saw my therapist. Had a panic attack. Bought a friend a cute t-shirt and then went to Yoga. Flow 1 from 4:30-6pm had a minor panic attack during savassana or corpse pose (where you're just relaxing) WTF??

I suffered panic attacks horribly after a bout of Vertigo I had for over two years. Every time I felt dizzy or lightheaded I would immediately think I was going to start vomiting with the room spinning. Imagine being drunk on a carousel going 40 mph and you'll get the picture of how hard it is to contain yourself and relax when you suffer from this. The vertigo went away but the attacks still happen when I get too excited or worked up. And apparently this can mean Yoga. As I said a few days ago, Sept 11 (and the aftermath in NYC) had a huge effect on me and I think I'm still dealing with some of that crap.

The class today was taught by Mr Yoga ( I spoke about him in the first week of my Journey). Like the last time he was very funny and talked to everyone as if they were the best of friends. He told a story in the beginning about going to a party that he did not want to attend with his husband and how by the end of the night he was exhausted because he'd put so much energy into why he wasn't going to like it. The sheer fact of being aware of these thoughts about his angst etc was enough to exhaust him.

That's how I feel about my never ending brain. The thoughts, the subconscious, the chatter. Ok, let me be clear... there are no actual voices per se but in some ways, it seems almost better because then I'd know what was wrong. I'd have schizophrenia. Now? Just a busy mind.

I'd like to not think about too many things and I look to Yoga to help quiet my mind but today it just brought that energy up. That happened to me the last time I was on a treadmill. I was running at my fastest speed ever (after a gradual increase) and at one point the adrenaline worked against me. That isn't fair. "Life isn't fair" chimes the world.

Focus Focus Focus

Health Health Health

Ease Ease Ease

seriously. What a whack job I am. But then again, the only normal people in the world are the ones you just don't know very well yet