One day away from the midway point. I took a Community class today from 3-4pm. There were 3 instructors (one leading two(Pippi and Emme) taking) and 2 other women as well as me. The instructor was someone who I'd only had once before and I'd forgotten her practice. She was soooo calm and was supremely encouraging. She'd made a comment about it seeming like a sleepover because it was all women and mostly friends. I liked that.
The practice was good. A few holding of the poses which I always find difficult even in Virabhadrasana II or Warrior II pose. It really takes a lot of breathing in a tense position to help the muscles and body relax. I heard once that a torture implement was to make people hold their arms up for extended periods of time and didn't understand until today.
We did class in a circle which I always find a bit intimidating to tell the truth. Emme was the woman across from me and she moves so beautifully that I wanted to emulate her fluidity. I was battling dizziness again today and tried to fling it from my being but it's hard. I kept going back and forth between "leave class" "stay in class" and I stayed.
I am extremely embarrassed at how much stress and my subconscious rules my world. I never imagined myself so frail. I wonder how much of it is because I seek the truths in my faults instead of just playing Ostrich. I don't want to be in the Matrix so to speak but I would love some balance.
I asked Pippi and Emme for some good chants to relieve anxiety and Pippi offered "So" on the inhale and "Hum" on the exhale which means "I am that" and then I'd remembered Rosie from Calif always using that in restorative classes. Emme gave me inhale "God" exhale "fear" which is pretty close to what I do chant on my own... inhale "stability" exhale "fear."
I had no idea that when I started this journey I would delve so deep in my mind. I thought it would just reduce my cholesterol, stress and weight while increasing my energy, stability and joint/tendon functions...
I will not be afraid.. I will continue my journey and come out the other side a better person for it...
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