Day 10 Hocus Focus

Hm. Um... I'm not sure where to start but here goes. Last night my bike was vandalized by someone I knew. They slashed both of my tires. I did pretty well considering. I knew this person for over 16 years and even though our friendship ended sourly I never expected he could be so malicious. I kept thinking about Yoga (as lame as that sounds.) One side of my brain screamed "Im gonna walk up to that asshat's apartment and demand retribution!" The other side "why perpetuate the anger and nastiness? Just let it goooooo. Work on yourself and set it freeeee"  SWITCH " I could get him evicted (he subleases illegally) from a fantastic apartment!" SWITCH "doesn't that make you just as bad as him?" 

Yes it does. That can not relieve what ache I'm feeling.

In the class I did today from 4-6:30 the instructor (female, soft spoken and oozing sincerity) began with the usual "devote your practice to a part of yourself or someone else" routine. I immediately chose the person who violated me. I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. I found myself unable to do even the easiest of balances, stuck in this perpetual feeling of !arrrrgggghhh! Fighting the fantasies of what I could do to this person to "get even" and to genuinely try and emit "I love you, I forgive you. The problem is your sadness and anger. I wish you the best." 

It felt like I'd never heard any of the poses the teacher was calling out but when I looked at others I knew what to do while my brain fought over what information should be priority. FOCUS I kept saying, just breathe... breaaaathe... breaaaattthhheeee... This was the first day so far that I had to stop myself from leaving the class because I just. couldn't. get. it. together. Shame rolled over me in a harsh drill sergeant tone; "don't you DARE leave! suck it up! you need this!" The other side said in it's soothing yoga tones "it's o.k., you need to leave and go eat whatever you want to make you feel better. You deserve this after what you've been through..."

Shit.Shit.Shit. I toiled over a lot of stuff but I stayed. I stayed and got back into poses when I could. I stayed and didn't tell myself what an asshole I am because I couldn't do full poses like Scorpion Pose or Vikisanaha  even though in my mind that it was perfectly feasible after 10 days and I stayed because my life is larger than just one incident. 

I'm struggling but I'm not giving up and I will continue striving to use my powers for good and not for evil.