Day 35 Dig deep and see what you find

Labor Day. I tried to trick myself and say "Today's a day of rest." Uh, no it isn't. I've rested plenty. I need to go to class.

Tonight's class was taught by the girl I call Anna (Kournakova.) She is the one whose voice I love and who's music needed to be changed. Praise be! She changed it! I was ecstatic. I love her classes but the repetitive music was getting to be a huge turn off and now the problem is solved :-) She is always very hands on and today the class was small so I felt like I got extra attention.

The curious thing about being "adjusted" during class is that just when you think you can't stretch another centimeter someone guides you to a deeper pose. It's scary and exhilarating at the same time. I was doing the Extended Traingle or Utthita Trikonasana Pose and I felt like I honestly couldn't go any further she eased my shoulders back and my hips forward and POW! a whole new feeling. I can't explain what this feels like. Your mind is saying "There's no way in hell I can go any further" and your body just does it.

I think of how women lift cars off their children in accidents or men who are able to move concrete walls when a coworker is in danger. Adrenaline. But not the " we're gonna kick their ass this super bowl!" kind but the "I can do anything" kind. The body is so extremely fragile yet unbelievably strong at the same time. You can die from a spider bite but live after a shark bites your legs off. You can snap during a phone call with one customer service agent and find joy with 500,000 people celebrating New Years Eve in Times Square.

I've learned a lot this last 35 days but the number one thing is that even if I don't feel like going, when I do I feel so much better...

Day 33 Does anyone Hatha any Advil?

Yikes. Today was a two in one day and I definitely feel it. My thighs say fuck off and my back probably will take a stand and refuse to be straight when I wake up tomorrow.

The first class from 11:45-1:30 was with the woman who usually teaches my favorite class on Sundays. I'll call her Pippi because she reminds me of Pippi Longstocking in the fact that she is cheerful, offers unusual subjects and notions of poses and also seems to be friends with everyone. The class was packed to the brim with a total of 35 people since a lot of other classes were cancelled. It is always very hard to focus with that many peoples energy in the room. I am very sensitive to others vibes already and when I'm in that environment it's tripled in awareness. I was able to do Crow pose or Bakasana for the first time without falling on my face! I made it up to the pose about 5 times and am hopeful I will be able to hold it for a few breathes next time.

Holding. This brings me to the next class from 4-5:30

The instructor was a man I'd never taken from before. I will call him Alvin. Because he looks like he dances for Ailey! Tall, dark and a booming voice which is both terrifying and sexy at the same time. He began the class with this gnarly booming chant that no one seemed to know. I was actually scared and thought I am in way over my head here... this class is for pros. I was right. It was called Hatha style. You hold the poses for a long ass time and it is insane! It really shows just how well you know your poses, alignment and breathe that's for sure.

I found myself totally unable to focus here as well. I had so much fear that he was judging my inability that I began to resent him. When he said "we just passed the 20 minute warmup and will be together another hour and a half really working" I wanted to cry. That seemed mean to me. A better way to put it is my perception of his statement was negative when in fact most of the people probably drooled thinking they were going to get beat to hell by this yogi who obviously knew what he was doing.

I am a mere amateur this I know. This affects my thought process and as Mr Horse used to say on Ren and Stimpy no sir, I don't like it one bit. I will take another class by him because I know I need to. I need to face my weird inner self and drive out the judgey, negative bullshit and just get down with my bad self.

Day 32 Yogis take Holidays? Do they watch T.V?

Whew! I am now back in NYC. the smells, sights and sounds all around me say it's the end of summer and the city is trying to hold onto the warm weather while it can. I was excited to see what my practice is like in a NY studio after being away for over 9 days. I was even more exited because the class I was going to attend was my favorite class at Sonic. Center Class.

I got myself prepared and ready to go. I had a few minutes before I had to leave to get to the 1:15 class on time so I decided to plan my classes for next week. I opened up the page that lists the schedule and saw that the class had been cancelled. I forgot it was a Holiday weekend and only the first class at 9:00 am (which I'd already slept through) and a Flow 2 (which I am not by any stretch ready for) at 5:00. I hope that the instructors are being part of the common folk on their days off. You know, going to see scary movies, gossiping on the phone with family, watching bad t.v. and maybe even drinking coffee and having Cinnabon.

So, it looks as though my "easing back into" plan isn't going to work. I will now take two classes tomorrow to catch up. I can't say I feel calm about this at all. I will stay committed. I will learn and do the best I can.

I will probably want to take some Advil before I go to bed tomorrow too..

Day 31 "Nah, mah stay right in this pose awhile"

Today's class was my last class in California. It was an all levels class from 8:30-10:00 am. All women again and the woman who inspired me from a class last week (the "seriously Grandma?" post) attended and I told her what an inspiration she was to me. She said she was surprised but happy. She quickly told me she's been in practice a long time and that some of her poses "weren't what they used to be" but I am still impressed by her dedication. The instructor Rosie was very sweet and got me a cupcake (two actually, one vanilla and one chocolate since she didn't know which flavor I liked) to celebrate my 30 days and as a sweet send off back to NYC. She has an extremely nurturing quality and if you were to conjure up what Mother Nature might look like it would be her. Long flowing red hair, bright earth green eyes, a natural beauty and full of grace with just enough curves to show the world femininity.

I was relaying my story to the women in class and it was wonderful to get their take on what is a Yoga practice. Everyone experiences strife. Whether it's physical, emotional, financial, spiritual or psychological these struggles make us who we are. Yoga helps shine light on what is troubling you. I am tapping into some of my most vulnerable spots and folks I'll tell ya, it ain't easy. Whoever coined the phrase ignorance is bliss wasn't kidding. I have a tendency to be hard on myself and delve deeper than I should into why things "are." It's very tiring all this judging and pondering.

I am sending positive vibes out since I will be heading back to the airport and have hopes that things will run much smoother than on my way out. Tomorrow will be my first class back in NYC and I'm curious to see how I ease back in. I think I may be staying in child's pose a bit just to be kind to myself after the travel etc...

Thank you everyone who I came in contact with during my stay in California and I will see you six weeks.

Namaste

Day 30 I just completed 30 Yoga Classes in 30 days!

Happy Anniversary! I just completed my 30th class in 30 days. Today I did two classes and the first was Hatha from 8:30-10:00 am. As usual the instructor was Rosie (it turns out she does have student teachers but I hadn't had the chance to take class from them during my visit here). She is so awesome. The class was full and once again it was an older crowd (me included) and all women. There was a great energy in the room and Rosie picked up on it and commented about it at the end of class. I love how supportive everyone here is of each other even if they're strangers. I don't see that so much in New York.

The second class Restorative from 7:45-9:00 pm was at another studio I'd looked into in the town of San Pedro. It was also the class that I showed up for last week that said it was on hiatus until this week (although still listed online.) I brought, or should I say draagggeed my friend with me since there was a 2 person minimum for the class and I didn't want to miss it. We would be the only ones as it turned out. There was a total of 12 classes a week offered and the woman who ran the studio taught them all. I have to be totally honest, I was a bit put off by her or should I say I felt she was a bit put off by me and my friend. She seemed very cautious of us like maybe we thought it was a joke or something. I can't quite put my finger on it...

I must also admit that I judged her for being overweight. She was a bit bigger than me and my negative brain went to "how can she teach me? Look at her! With 12 classes a week she should be in great shape!" Something in me did not want to enjoy the class. Like I would be allowing myself to be comfortable with another fat person teaching me something. Ridiculous. I'm fat and I'm a fatist. It's because I see myself in those who struggle and I don't like what I see. "Oh thank God I'm not as fat as her!" I say to myself. Shame on me. Wait a second... If I recognize my inappropriate behavior and want to make it better should I still feel that shame or just let it go? See.. sketchy brain...

Anyway... the class consisted of 5 poses each held about 12 minutes and resting in between. Her voice was made to give soothing messages. Seriously, it was almost as if she was playing a character it was soooooo mellow and calming. The final result was that I felt much more relaxed than when I arrived. I thanked her for class and may take another class when I come back next month to celebrate my Grandma's 80'th bday just to see if my experience is any different.

Tomorrow is my last class here in Calif but my first class of my second month in my three month project!

Day 29 I am not a superhero

Today was an exhaustive day. I awoke with many obligations and plans and none of them happened. I felt I let someone down and it completely debilitated me. I think it may have been an accumulative of all the stress incurred while here in Calif. but I had a complete meltdown. I cried for about an hour and couldn't get a hold of myself.

I decided that I needed a break. From yoga, from people, from responsibilities, from myself. I got my hair cut, colored and styled. A facial, an hour massage and an hour foot reflexology treatment. It was absolute bliss yet all day I felt out of whack.

My inner energy is crazy and I don't know how to get it in line. Sometimes I feel like I have no control over my body and brain at all and it's scary. I don't feel this way during class but class is not real life timing. It's a place to get away, be calm, be out of my mind and engage my body. How do I use this in my real life?

Oh yeah, tomorrow is my one month anniversary. I will be celebrating by doing two classes to make up for today's absence.

Day 28 Take two classes and call me in the mornig

Another day of two classes and by the looks of things I may be doing another 2 classes on Thursday if my day turns out to be as crazy as it's looking for tomorrow.

My first class was a Hatha class. Traditional Hatha Yoga is a holistic yogic path, including moral disciplines, physical postures (asana), purification procedures (shatkriya), poses (mudra), yogic breathing (pranayama), and meditation. The definition sounds like the definition for general yoga and the class felt pretty much the same but much more gentle. We did an awesome breathing exercise where we sniffed in two deep breathes and exhaled a defined haaaaaaaaaaaa. This made me a bit dizzy and as always when I get dizzy I get scared. I suffered from debilitating Vertigo for almost two years awhile back and when I get dizzy it's hard not to "go there" when I do. It was only myself and one other woman with the instructor and owner Rosie. She teaches about 18 classes a week. What the?? No wonder she looks like a Goddess!

The second class was an all levels class and was the largest of all the classes I've taken since I've been here. It was also the first class I've taken with a pregnant woman rocking the yoga poses. She did a headstand. She was 4 months pregnant and she did a headstand. She said she could feel her baby girl moving around inside her belly. I am a freak. I am probably the only person in the class who felt squeamish about that. Women will probably judge me and say "it's the most natural thing in the world." For whatever reason, I am not one of those woman. I feel ashamed about this. I don't want to but I do. I wish I knew why I have these pregnant woman or nursing in class issues. Wtf.

I find that I don't have a lot of motivation to get to class but once it's over I feel so much better. I have to say that the two in one days are easier here because I have a wider variety of styles. It is also not as intense a practice as it is in NYC. Does that make it any less beneficial for me? I'm not sure. I am sure however that I feel much more calming effects after the classes here than I do in NY.

Maybe it's just that California is more laid back... I will be back in Nyc Fri and try to bring some of the mellow with me...