Day 84 Meditate and procrastinate

Well I managed to get in a meditation class today which is good because I will need it for this weekend! I leave in a few hours to drive upstate for a wedding. I've managed to wait until the very last minute to pack and I feel like I will forget something.

I can't believe that I am almost at the end of my journey here. This week is going to be hard to catch up I have to admit. I have a big show on Friday night and have planned rehearsals all week. Maybe I will have the guts to do an EARLY class as well as an evening class to catch up! We'll see. Right now I am gearing up for the weekend and will try as I said before to get in an online workout at least.

Day 83 Just Breaaaathe...

I am very aware that my 90 days are up in one week. I took two classes today. Meditation at noon and Flow 1 at 6pm. It felt great to meditate with a group again even if it is with mostly business people. Why should that matter? I don't know. I don't even know why I said that. there's that judgment again! *sigh* I guess that's why they call it a practice and not a perfect.

The flow class was with Pippi and as usual she had nothing but great energy. I was still a bit weary after last night and felt less confident than I normally would. I am having balance issues again. I've noticed that as soon as I REALLY let go and make my mind blank I'm steady... but the minute my mind wanders *BOOM* down I go.

I've also noticed that when I am in wheel I can't exhale. That's right. I can't exhale! The part that is supposed to relieve the tension I can't do. It feels like the breathe that I hold keeps me in position and as soon as I let go there will be no support... Wait a cotton pickin minute... can this be a metaphor of how I'm afraid to release in my own life? I can't think of anything that I haven't confronted but I must be open to that possibility.

I'm glad to be back in class. I leave again this weekend for a wedding. Yes, on Halloween. And no, it isn't themed (must to my chagrin.) I plan on taking class tomorrow and doing downloaded class on Sat and Sun unless i get back in time for the 5:45 class.

Day 82 whew!!!

Wow. I went to class tonight after not going for almost a week and my body let me know it did NOT appreciate it. It was by far my least favorite class out of every class I've taken. Since I started my journey, I've incurred a few injuries and weak spots. I am very aware of these spots especially my right knee and left ankle. My right knee I've somehow managed to get a slight tear in the ligament. It's curious because I can move a million ways but when it's just the riiiiight spot it's excruciating...

This particular class was going to be done by Warrior Woman but she had an emergency and asked Earth Mama to step in. Normally I like her align classes and figured that since this was Flow 1 I'd be good. I was wrong. I was already feeling vulnerable from missing class and had in general, a very emotional day. The practice was going to be "Poses that scare you" in the spirit of Halloween. I was immediately pissed. I wanted a normal class where I could ease into my poses and feel good about what I was doing. Instead it was every pose that I completely suck at. Head stand, forearm stand, crow, side crow, yogi splits and back bends.

I tried very hard not to be upset especially when she asked us to breathe in "Peace" and exhale "Judgment and Expectations." As much as I hate to admit it, I'm built around judgement and expectation. I "expected" class with flow. I "judged" EM for changing the routine because she thought that's what WW does around this time of year. I expect that I will be honest in my practice but I judge myself when I can't execute what I see in my mind and feel in my heart. Peace seems much less exhaustive.

I also had a person next to me who was a teaching/student who was taking class. She was telling me how to pose and where to put my hands and every suggestion was incorrect and set my wrists on fire. EM even came over during one adjustment and told the asst to stop. I know she was trying to help but my perception was different. It didn't feel nurturing.

To make matters worse we were facing each other for some reason which always bites. It's too hard to find Drishti (eye focus) when you're a foot away from two peoples faces. The back of a head doesn't draw near as much energy to the eye as a face.

It did feel amazing to do a lot of the poses and I absolutely need to start practicing everyday again. My body needs it. My poor body.

To my body:

I'm sorry that I treat you so poorly. You may be weak for now but please, please, never give up trying. You make movement and life possible. It's a dishonor to your gift I know, but have mercy because I want you to be my temple.

Days 75 - 81

So let's see if I can catch up here...

Monday the 19th did the 3-4 student class. Only an hour...

Tuesday the 20th I only did meditation at lunch.

Weds 21 I did the 5:45-7pm class which is definitely my favorite class. Stacy rocks!

Thursday 22 I didn't do any class.. I left for California to celebrate my Gma's 80th Bday

Fri the 23th no class

Sat the 24th no class Gma's Party in Calif

Sun 25th no class

Mon 26th no class travel 11-10pm

So, that puts me 5 classes behind in my 90 day program. I will do my best to catch up. I REALLY miss how I feel after class and am confident that I will catch up..

Day 72, 73, 74

What a crazy weekend! I had a show on Friday night and went to meditation at 6pm. This was the first time I went on a Friday night. It was pretty full despite the shitty weather and I was ready to relax before a long night ahead. It is really hard to force yourself to try and slow things down when you have a million things on your mind. A few instructors have said that's a true Yogi.. one who can just shut off in an instance. I am not one of those people. I want to be one but I'm not as of yet.

Saturday was a day of absolute relaxation. I had the intention of going to class at 11:45 but woke up at 11:30 and decided against it. I should have gone though. My feet were absolutely killing me from the night before teetering in 6 inch heels and I honestly couldn't imagine myself putting pressure on the balls of my feet in low lunge. Just thinking about it made me wince. But, I still should have gone. I am now one class behind and will be doing quite a bit of traveling and that always poses a challenge.

Today's class was needed. I had an extremely emotional morning with a family member and found myself physically ill and sore from tension and stress. I was not feeling anywhere near what I usually do and one of the aides picked up on it. She asked if everything was ok and it felt good to have genuine concern. It also felt good to be noticed as being vulnerable. So many people find it difficult to have empathy or sympathy for someone who is struggling. Myself included. I am making a vow today to be more aware of how people need to be talked to so that that good karma will come back to me.

Day 70, 71 and 72

What?? 3 entries in one?? What's going on??? I'll be honest I'm having a rough time coming home and writing about my yoga these days.

Tues- Did meditation at Deepak Chopra with a new girl. She was about 4'10 (I'm not kidding) with dreads down to her but. There was another dreadlocked gal who taught before but this new girl had obviously been growing hers for over a decade... No violent thoughts that day. I also stayed to help clean up the room for some reason. I felt like that little woman couldn't do it all by herself. I'm sure I was wrong...

Weds- Had an amazing class with The Warrior instructor. She has by far given me the most in depth attention and answers all of my questions. She talked in depth about the Jalandhara Bandhas. This simultaneously keeps keening, rooting and engaging the systemic plethora of processes that constitute bodymind and with diligence resolving them in discipline and accord. Uh yea.. it means breathe holding and muscle manipulation basically. She was excellent at explaining it and also very hands on which I love. She is to me the most genuine non ego person who teaches. Earth Mama is pretty cool too. Anna is pretty cold but maybe she's just a private person...

Thurs- Crazyyy day for me and I only did the lunchtime hour flow class. It is really weird to do it in such a small time. As much as I look forward to laying in Savassana my body and mind are used to the 90 minutes it takes to truly get through it all. I'm interested in the math of yoga. It seems like there are a set amount of "reps" that one does of each pose. I will have to be sure to check and see what's up with that. I have a pretty full weekend ahead of me and am going to keep saying to myself ...

"This time you set aside is for you. For you to be healthier, to clear your mind and allow your body the attention it deserves."

Day 68 and 69

Weekend and Holiday Yoga feels different for some reason. The Sunday meditation I took was awesome enough but I couldn't shake feeling tired the rest of the day. It just seemed like I needed to be lazy or something. I don't believe it though. I need to move! I need to stretch , I need to push myself. I want so badly to crave a workout. I don't. Maybe I'm just not that type of person? Maybe I'm a lazy ass by nature. Maybe it's my size?

Tonight's Asana class I also felt lazy. My mind wasn't focusing in on what I was doing or enjoying the discovery of space and flexibility within myself. I kept thinking about Savasana. I also have noted that since it's cold outside I feel different inside. I absolutely can't stand walking in after a sweaty ass long class that just happened (like tonight) it is so gross to smell and inhale everyone's expelled toxins and sweat. I avoided the thick black mat (I've yet to buy my own) because they were basically dripping and the floor was disgustingly slick. Will I get over this??

When we made it to Savasana I got cold. The sweat on my body and the fan that provided so much comfort in the summer now made me cold when the air hit my skin. I put my blanket across myself and then suddenly remembered the class I took Friday where a man was using his blanket as a sweat towel.. GROSS!! I wanted to be the Yoga police but for some reason didn't say anything.

It's getting harder these days in the cold, when my joints ache even more and temperature drops...